Best laid plans of mice and men 'f**ked up by Ryanair'

THE classic Rabbie Burns poem about the ‘best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men’ has been amended to make it clear that it is Ryanair that ruins them. 

The famous line in To a Mouse was updated following the budget airline’s cancellation of flights for 250,000 passengers on the grounds that they ‘no longer felt like it’. 

Professor Helen Archer of Edinburgh University said: “It isn’t God, or happenstance, or man’s hubris that causes our best laid schemes to ‘gang aft agley’. It’s fucking Ryanair. 

“Whether you’re flying out for a fortnight away, trying to get 60 guests to your wedding, or merely taking the kids for that Disneyland trip they’ve been excited about since February, Ryanair can and will ruin it all. 

“They insist their own regulations are followed to the absolute letter, while happily leaving you stranded in the Algarve because they’ve ballsed up their holiday rota. 

“You can’t even boycott them because they run all the routes everywhere. They are the devil.” 

Rabbi Lionel Hirschberg said: “We Jews have our own saying: ‘Man plans, Ryanair laughs.’” 

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Man accidentally joins conversation about Mooncups

A 31 YEAR-OLD man has been left with post-traumatic stress disorder after accidentally joining female colleagues in a conversation about Mooncups.

Julian Cook unwittingly took a place among the group at lunchtime, enduring a 20-minute analysis of the pros and cons of the silicone menstrual cup while trying to finish his pasta salad as quickly as possible.

He said: “I realised something was up when Alice from HR said that she loves hers, but had the wrong size at first and felt like she’d been punched in the vagina.

“Then the office manager Rachel, who I have only ever said hello to while making a cup of tea, started talking about how her endometriosis means her flow is unpredictable, so tampons are a nightmare.

“The final straw was when Sharon from marketing said she sometimes pretends her Mooncup is a glass of Merlot before pouring it away.”

He added: “To be honest, I actually thought menstrual blood was blue because of the adverts. I learned things today that I will never forget.”

Cook had to take the rest of the afternoon off to recover in a darkened room, but has since started texting his sister about the environmental benefits of moving away from tampons.