BHS has had a last-minute reprieve after being bought by Northern grandmothers.
The chain has been taken over by elderly women after fears they would have nowhere to buy mundane items and have a nice sit down with tea in a proper pot.
Pensioner Mary Fisher said: “Northern grans depend on BHS for its range of unexciting goods such as bed linen, toilet brushes and grey anoraks for our husbands.
“BHS cafes are the only restaurants we feel comfortable in, thanks to their unthreatening menu of toast, sausage rolls or bacon and egg with half a grilled tomato for a special treat.
“We bought it by pooling our savings, which are surprisingly large due to unnecessarily frugal habits such as getting six meals out of a tin of corned beef.”
The new owners plan to make BHS even more appealing to Northern grans by expanding its range of ugly figurines of garden birds and adding pikelets to the menu.
82-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s lucky we’ve saved BHS because I need a cushion cover and the ones from M&S are much too colourful and sexy.”