Boost to recovery as everything becomes much more expensive

BRITAIN was well on the road to economic recovery today after the government made everything less affordable.

With unemployment at its highest since the discovery of machines in 1462, ministers said the best way to tackle it was to make sure no-one could buy things from shops.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “Deficit, Britain, responsibility, angry Chinamen, live within our means, Britain, economics of the madhouse, boom and bust my arse and if you think I’m paying that for an iPod you must be out of your fucking mind.”

Meanwhile the boss of Britain’s biggest food retailer stressed it was absolutely right that the government had made everything more expensive apart from food.

Tesco chief executive, Sir Terry Leahy, said: “Why would you want to buy a new telly when you can spend hours staring at this gorgeous packet of honey roast ham?

“You could even buy two and then prop them up against each other so that they form a little tent and then make some cowboys from bits of VAT-free cheddar. It’s Brokeback Mountain in 3D but without the need for cumbersome spectacles.”

Tom Logan, a former consumer from Peterborough, said: “I don’t know much about economics, then again neither did John Maynard Keynes but everyone still listened to him for about a thousand years before realising he was full of hot piss.

“So anyway, my theory is, instead of taking more of my money and making things more expensive, let me keep my money so I can spend it in shops and the people who work in the shops can keep getting paid because I’ve bought stuff from them.

“Meanwhile everyone else probably works in advertising and so they can keep getting paid to sit around Soho producing short films about the things in the shops that are clearly based on the assumption that I’m some kind of arsehole.

“And instead of taking a lot from a little, the government can take a little from a lot until such times as we all finally recognise that money is a ludicrous, man-made abstract that causes nothing but anguish and violence.”

He added: “Now if you’ll excuse me I was actually in the middle of recreating the climactic scene from A Few Good Men using half a banana and some Monster Munch.

“The banana can’t handle the truth.”

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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
As I sit here, all alone in my grubby little bedsit, wearing the same pants as last Monday, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans, listlessly tossing myself off to the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special, I can’t help but think that things could be different next year if I made a few small changes. I’ve tried to sketch out a couple of New Year’s resolutions on the back of a packet of snouts, but I can’t seem to focus on anything other than James Corden’s jiggling tits. Can you give me some pointers on how to get out of this small rut in which I find myself?

Dear Mark,
Unfortunately, at some stage you’re going to have to accept that no matter what your good intentions may be, you’ll never ever break your Christmas routine, because these things are set in stone. Take my granny, for example. Every single year she buys me and my sister something cheap and highly inappropriate, such as a gollywog, shouts obscenities at the Queen until her teeth fall out, then promptly falls asleep in a chair for the next two days. Or my Uncle Steve, who always turns up halfway through dinner accompanied by a shaky alcoholic lady called something like Candice or Zillah whom no-one else has met before, causes my mummy and daddy to have lots of quiet arguments in the kitchen, then punctuates his departure early Boxing Day by either vomiting or urinating into the Christmas tree. I’m sure all of us would much rather spend our holidays doing stuff other than wafting the smell of geriatric bowels with a Radio Times or picking sick off the Quality Street, so I suggest you stop wallowing in self pity and thank the baby Jesus that you didn’t actually have to spend Christmas with James Corden.
Hope that helps!