A TINY terracotta urn was last night coming to terms with the appalling prospect of having to go back to England.
As the English cricket team sealed a convincing win over Australia in the fourth test, a single tear was spotted running down the polished surface of the inconsolable Ashes trophy.
A source close to the urn said: “He’s devastated. He’s always hated England, but every time he’s had to go there he knew it wouldn’t be for very long.
“With Australia somehow managing to become utterly dreadful at cricket, he’s started to talk about committing suicide.
“We’ve had to remove his tiny belt.”
The urn had been expecting to spend the rest of its life in Australia and had even put down a deposit on a very, very small flat in a prestigious development overlooking Sydney Harbour.
But last night the 128 year-old trophy had fixed itself to the coffee table in its Melbourne hotel room using a little rubber suction cup and was demanding to speak to Australian prime minister Julia Gillard.
The source added: “He wants to ask her for political asylum on the basis that England is shit.”
Team captain Andrew Strauss and selectors’ chairman Geoff Miller are scheduled to have a long talk with the urn later today before just having at it with a crowbar.
A spokesman for the ECB said: “We’ve come up with a deal whereby the urn will spend no more than six weeks in England, staying in really nice country house hotels with either Emma Watson or Carey Mulligan and will then spend the rest of the year in the Dordogne but will wear a tiny little t-shirt with a St George’s Cross on it.”
Meanwhile Australians are today facing up to the harsh reality that if they are no longer any good at sport they may be forced to develop some sort of culture.