Boss ends conference call by reminding employees that, ultimately, nothing matters

A CHIEF executive has told his employees not to sweat the small stuff as the universe is indifferent to quarterly sales figures.

Tom Booker hosted the weekly conference call with his senior sales team, singling out the outstanding performers and pointing out areas of improvement as normal.

Sales associate, Eleanor Shaw, said: “Then he reminded us that the figures are meaningless as we will all be dust one day.

“I think it was a rare case of him speaking his mind without thinking. Last time he did that was at the Christmas party when he told Colin that he really didn’t mind that he’s gay.”

Booker said: “I really meant all of it.

“I do what I do in order to buy nice food and have a roof that doesn’t leak. I’ve wound up in charge but have no idea how, But I do know that none of it is worth thinking about as it’s not going to prevent me from succumbing to my own mortality.”

He added: “I would hang a sign above the door saying ‘everything you do in here is irrelevant to the universe’ but I don’t want to demotivate people.”

Booker revealed the company has posted record profits this quarter even though they are all going to die.

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China ends fun experiment with capitalism

CHINA is to return to full-scale communism after realising capitalism is not really its ‘bag’.

As the value of the country’s economy was reduced to £124, the Chinese government ordered its 1.4 billion citizens to return their Volvos and iPhones.

President Xi Jinping said: “Well, that didn’t work.

“It was worth a try, but it seems that Chairman Mao was right. Completely insane, but, in his own way, also very wise.

“When you’ve got this many people it’s best to keep things simple. Which means bicycles, grey uniforms and and forcing the proletariat to build enormous dams.”

President Xi said the end of Chinese capitalism would mean no more pop music or fizzy drinks, but stressed the next dam would be so gigantic that no-one would care about shopping.

He added: “And for you guys in the west, it also means you can stop worrying about China taking over the world. At least not in an economic sense anyway.”

Meanwhile, America and the UK are to stick with capitalism after experts confirmed that Saturday afternoon at a retail park is as good as it gets.