New school stuff pointless for crap children, say parents

BUYING expensive ‘back to school’ items for academically useless, un-sporty children is a futile gesture, according to parents.

Despite an average spend of over £200 per child, parents are sceptical that it will suddenly make them good at things and less of a disappointment.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I want the best for my son, but I doubt an expensive new football strip is going to turn the fat little shit into the next David Beckham.

“Getting my teenage daughter a scientific calculator was a ridiculous charade as I don’t think Sir Isaac Newton spent 15 hours a day sending inane texts to his friends.

“It would have been more useful to get her a Burger King uniform. Or, given her fascination with tracksuited teenage morons, some baby clothes.”

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “It’s not clear how my son’s dire grades will be improved by a faux-traditional uniform designed to make gullible parents think the local comp is a minor public school.

“I might just send him to school in a recycling bag with a tie drawn on it.”

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Uncovered nipples on rampage of destruction

AN army of uncovered nipples is wreaking havoc across Britain.

The freed nipples wreaked devastation on terrified civilians yesterday, smashing and looting their way through formerly peaceful, nipple-less streets.

Liberated nipples overturned a police car while others cheered and threw missiles at cowering officers.

Shopkeeper Wayne Hayes said: “I was minding my own business when this gang of nipples came in.

“At first I assumed they were male nipples, and I thought nothing of it. By the time I realised they were lady nipples, it was too late. I barely escaped with my life.”

Nipple leader Donna Sheridan said: “My fearsome areolas were once contained in a prison of cotton gauze and wire. But now they are free to sow chaos everywhere I go.”

As onlookers fled screaming, decent people demanded to know how the nipples were freed with no thought for the consequences.

Stephen Malley, from Edinburgh, said: “I expect to see nipples only in certain circumstances, when they have been properly sexualised. Put them back on the internet, where they belong.”