Britain hoping for bumper Tower of London opium crop

BRITAIN is pinning its economic hopes on a record haul of grade-A heroin from the Tower of London.

Visitors have flocked to see the flood of red poppies in the moat around the Tower, marvelling at how much raw opium they will produce.

Economist Martin Bishop said: “The combination of unseasonably warm weather and plenty of rain should mean a smack bonanza.

“Buckingham Palace will take 20 per cent, but what’s left can pay down the deficit or be used by George Osborne to fund a pre-election tax cut.”

Meanwhile, London mayor Boris Johnson has demanded at least 20 percent of the smack funds to pay for Crossrail, while tube drivers have offered to distribute the drugs in lieu of a pay rise.

Bishop added: “And if all this was legal we’d make even more because we wouldn’t have to bribe the cops.”


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Scotland wins Git of the Year

SCOTLAND has won the first ever Daily Mash Git of the Year award.

The small, cold, northern European hell-hole beat off stiff competition from rival gits including Russian maniac Vladimir Putin and Anyone Who Lives in a Converted Barn.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: ”All sensible people would agree that Scotland has been a massive pain in the arse this year, not least to itself.

”’Git’ almost seems inadequate, but if we’d used anything stronger someone probably would have reported us on Facebook.

”Scotland can now take pride in being more unpopular than both Vladimir Putin and people who live in converted barns.”

Scotland said: “This is an English conspiracy. I demand a recount.”

The award was based on the votes of over 10,000 misanthropes, whose worthless opinions were then compared to those of a panel of self-appointed experts.

Other runners-up included geriatric cake dictator Mary Berry, largely innocent panda Tian Tian and rapacious corporate beast Apple.