British Gas Calls For Increase In State Pension

THOUSANDS of old people are still dying from hypothermia because the price of gas is too high, British Gas has claimed.

The company is calling for a 20% increase in the state pension so the elderly can heat their homes without it impacting on the growth of large UK businesses that sell gas.

Unveiling a 98% increase in profits, British Gas said it had put its best brains to work on the problem but could think of no other way to make gas more affordable for Britain’s pensioners.

A spokesman said: “It was a very cold winter which meant people needed more gas which meant we were forced to keep our prices as high as we possibly could.

“This meant that a lot of pensioners were unable to afford the gas and eventually chose to die.

“We need to find a way of getting more money to these wonderful old people so they can continue to live in stiflingly hot comfort well into their nineties.”

Bill McKay, from Peterbourgh, said: “My pension fund is invested in British Gas so I really need them to be making as much money as possible. Meanwhile the more money my mum has to spend on gas the more she will be able to leave me in her will.

“However, the warmer she is during the winter, the longer she’s likely to live, meaning she will eat into my inheritance and I’ll have less time to spend whatever’s left. And of course if she gets a bigger pension I will have to pay more tax, which means I won’t have as much to put into my pension fund.

“Probably best if I keep it all nice and simple and just nudge her in front of a bin lorry.”

The British Gas spokesman added: “The dead ones are obviously useless and a poor pensioner during the winter is, in accounting terms, essentially the same as a dead one.

“Our absolute favourites are the frail ones with chronic arthritis, poor circulation and sizeable cash reserves.

“We call them ‘the icing’.”

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Danny Dyer, Says Culture Secretary

THE closure of the UK Film Council is a largely Danny Dyer-based decision, the culture secretary confirmed last night

Jeremy Hunt said the closure will mean the loss of 75 jobs but also guarantees a 92% reduction in poisonously bad Mockney crime capers over the next three years.

The Football Factory ‘actor’ who deliberately misspells his surname, will be slowly wound down over the next 18 months and eventually shoved off the end of Clacton pier.

Mr Hunt said: “It wasn’t just Dyer, of course. Sex Lives Of The Potato Men, St Trinians, St Trinians II, that awful piece of shit about the spaceship on the way to the sun – please stop me when you’ve spotted the new Lawrence of Arabia.”

Director Roy Hobbs has been forced him to postpone his latest film, You Fackin’ Slag, a gritty, uncompromising drama about people who live in a horrible place but retain a wonderful sense of humour and rob a bank.

He added: “This is a disastrous decision that will force the British film industry into making films people actually want to see. Meanwhile I’ve got at least four Winstones sitting around doing nothing on time and a half.”

Julian Cook, editor of Cinema magazine, said: “Thanks to public subsidy Britain is making some fantastic films such as the The Football Factory, the St Trinian’s series and that wonderful film about the spaceship on the way to the sun.

“Meanwhile the best the Americans can come up with is rubbish like Sideways, Juno, Good Night and Good Luck, No Country for Old Men and The Godfather.

“Just imagine how good The Godfather could have been, if only it had been part-funded by the government.”

Ken Loach, the artistic force behind some of the most wilfully unpopular British films of the last 40 years, insisted he would bring some of his trademark realism to his next project, a chalk and cheese buddy cop movie featuring a talkative pussy.

Loach said: “Admittedly Meow You’re Talkin! is a change of pace for me, but it will be infused with authenticity, if we can just get the cat to improvise.”