British Gas To Let You Eat

BRITISH Gas has agreed to leave you just enough money so you can eat.

The energy giant is to cut its prices after a drop-off in demand was linked to an increasing number of its customers starving to death.

Now the company has pledged to reduce tariffs to the point where consumers can afford just enough food to continue to live while spending the rest of their meagre incomes on gas and electricity.

A spokesman said: "This winter an increasing number of people have had to choose between freezing to death and starving to death. You're absolutely no use to us dead. At least until we're allowed to burn corpses instead of coal."

He added: "In these difficult times our challenge is to set prices which create that happy medium somewhere between hypothermia and having just enough energy to switch on the oven."

The company is also publishing a series of tips and hints on energy efficient cooking in its new booklet Pressure Cookers Give You Cancer.

Tips include:

  • Raw vegetables are deadly. Use the biggest pan you have, filled to the brim with water.
  • Cook huge joints of meat. Cutting it into smaller pieces means it will cook too fast and you will die of vomiting.
  • To prevent deadly food poisoning always leave the oven on for at least an hour after you have eaten.
  • Always boil water on the hob. Every year kettles kill more than 500,000 people exactly like you.

Elizabeth Bradford, 67, from Dorchester, said: "Once again I shall taste the sweet nectar of Asda Smart Price cream of tomato. Thank you British Gas. I love you."

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Doctors Recommend Kebabs For High Testicle Content

THE doner kebab is a nutritious snack filled with zinc and proteins from the compacted shavings of at least 14 different varieties of testicle, doctors said last night.

While often attacked for its high fat content, experts said the kebab provided a balanced diet and was a major factor in having wondrous balls.

Just two large doners a week guarantees men large, full testicles, while women will develop a glossy coat and a soothing baritone voice.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said a typical take-away kebab was 98.4% animal testicles and 1.6% lettuce both of which are essential for vigorous gonads.

He added: "Go to the Turkish baths in Istanbul and you will come face to face with the world's fullest scrotums.

"Trenendous balls, really pink and plump, no wrinkles or veiny protuberances. Not like the shrivelled little walnut sacks you get over here."

He added: "I certainly would not like to be standing in front of one if it went off."

Wazim Farza, owner of Wazim's Mashed Testicles on Basildon High Street, said: "I favour a mix of sheep, kangaroo, frog and Irish Setter.

"It make your balls very splendid. You want to see my balls?"