Buckfast monks say angel told them to keep Scotland violent

THE monks who make Buckfast have a holy mission to ensure Scots never stop punching each other, they have claimed.

The tonic wine, which earned the monks of Buckfast Abbey £8.8 millon last year, is made according to the Lord’s direct command of 484 AD. 

Abbot Joseph Turner said: “It is written that on that day an angel did descend and order us to make a caffeinated wine for the Pictish people to foster the degradation of their spirits. 

“The angel said ‘They shall be lost in drunkenness, revelling, strife, murders, adultery and such works of the flesh, for if they ever turn against Heaven their wrath would be so tumultuous to topple it.’ 

“Ever since that divine manifestation we have created this holy elixir so Scotland remains a cauldron of violence.” 

Habitual Buckfast drinker Bill McKay of Glasgow said: “I’m up to the Lord’s work myself.

“Sometimes with the hand, sometimes the boot but most often with the head.”

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Man has white Range Rover and that is all you need to know about him

A MAN has a white Range Rover, it has been confirmed.

The man has a job and relatives and perhaps a wife or girlfriend, but most of all he has a Range Rover, and it is white.

Onlooker Nikki Hollis said: “It’s bad to be judgmental but there it is. He decided to buy a white Range Rover because that is what he is into.

“He probably chose special seats in something called ‘clamshell leather’. It’s what he likes.

“And now there he is, parking it. He has a name – Tony? Rob? Darren?

“We shall never know.”