THE idea that workers can switch jobs is a myth put about to stop them become depressed and unproductive, it has emerged.
Employers are told to respond positively to workers’ stupid plans to go off and work in a monkey sanctuary or become a crime writer, safe in the knowledge that it will never work out.
Company director Donna Sheridan said: “Our telesales staff are tied to this place by rent, mortgages and being mentally good-for-nothing thanks to years of brain-numbing toil.
“But if they realised they’ll be putting numbers into a computer until they retire and get a plastic clock, they’d probably lie down under their desks waiting to die.
“Sometimes I casually mention a woman from marketing who retrained and became an Apache attack helicopter pilot. Obviously it’s bollocks, but they love it.”
Sales manager Tom Logan, 40, said: “People are always successfully following their dreams, so I’m sure I can redo my GCSEs, A-levels and degree and take out a huge loan in order to become a brilliant doctor like Hugh Laurie in House.
“My boss was incredibly supportive and bought me a stethoscope before telling me to get on the fucking phone and sell more bathroom fittings.”