THE government has unveiled its 10 year vision for Britain's children with a pledge that childhood will now begin at birth.
In a keynote Commons statement child minister Ed Balls outlined his plan to make British children the most childish in the world.
Balls told MPs: "Let's get back to basics. A traditional British childhood must begin at the point of womb evacuation and not a minute later.
"From that moment on it's strictly Swallows and Amazons with perhaps a hint of Railway Children. The era of Byker Grove is at an end."
Balls also wants primary schools in England and Wales to provide services for adults including an off-licence, a second hand car showroom and a massage suite.
The government's 10 point plan for childhood:
- Titties – then solid food to enable growth (eating to continue throughout childhood).
- Introduction of toys, followed by mild violence towards friends and/or siblings.
- Formal education (to involve listening to the adult at the front of the room and remembering what it is they've said).
- Dropping of testicles and/or development of breasts.
- Football, hockey or chess (for speccy children).
- Dirty fumblings.
- Bad music.
- The End.
Next week the government is expected to outline its 17-point plan for adulthood.
According to Whitehall sources the key elements will include pointless jobs, dreary chain pubs, disastrous sex, grinding depression and easily avoidable nose cancer.