City Workers Urged To Dress Like Scum And Talk About ‘Corrie’

WORKERS in the City of London can protect themselves from violent protesters by dressing like scum and talking about something called 'Corrie', it was claimed last night.

Do not talk about paté

Financial institutions in the Square Mile and Canary Wharf are advising staff after the police warned that militant activists will use the G20 summit to target any well-nourished person in a suit who looks as if they earned more than £40,000 in the last year.

Guidelines issued by one City firm include:

  • Instead of a suit and tie wear a 'sweatshirt', ideally with a 'hood'. Give your secretary £10 and tell her to buy one from 'George' at 'Asda'.
  • If you and a colleague find yourself in a public space, do not talk about your favourite consistency of paté or the outstanding quality of the powder at Jackson Hole. Instead, use phrases like 'Did you see Corrie last night?' or 'wasn't Corrie really good?'. You do not need to know what 'Corrie' is.
  • Speak in a slovenly manner. Instead of 'coming' and 'going' say 'comin' and 'goin'. And every few minutes you should make a disgusting noise at the back of your throat as if you are about to spit, or 'gob'.
  • If you find yourself in conversation with a cheaply-dressed stranger, stick to generalities and avoid telling them that they are merely insignificant pawns in a complex, never-ending game that is entirely beyond their feeble, working class minds.

A Met spokesman said: "If your disguise does not work and you are threatened by scum, do not try to impress them with the five games you played at stand-off for the university third XV, or the fact that you used to box for Cambridge.

"They will simply hit you with a bottle and then use you as a missile to throw at the police."