City Workers Urged To Dress Like Scum And Talk About 'Corrie'

WORKERS in the City of London can protect themselves from violent protesters by dressing like scum and talking about something called 'Corrie', it was claimed last night.

Financial institutions in the Square Mile and Canary Wharf are advising staff after the police warned that militant activists will use the G20 summit to target any well-nourished person in a suit who looks as if they earned more than £40,000 in the last year.

Guidelines issued by one City firm include:

  • Instead of a suit and tie wear a 'sweatshirt', ideally with a 'hood'. Give your secretary £10 and tell her to buy one from 'George' at 'Asda'.
  • If you and a colleague find yourself in a public space, do not talk about your favourite consistency of paté or the outstanding quality of the powder at Jackson Hole. Instead, use phrases like 'Did you see Corrie last night?' or 'wasn't Corrie really good?'. You do not need to know what 'Corrie' is.
  • Speak in a slovenly manner. Instead of 'coming' and 'going' say 'comin' and 'goin'. And every few minutes you should make a disgusting noise at the back of your throat as if you are about to spit, or 'gob'.
  • If you find yourself in conversation with a cheaply-dressed stranger, stick to generalities and avoid telling them that they are merely insignificant pawns in a complex, never-ending game that is entirely beyond their feeble, working class minds.

A Met spokesman said: "If your disguise does not work and you are threatened by scum, do not try to impress them with the five games you played at stand-off for the university third XV, or the fact that you used to box for Cambridge.

"They will simply hit you with a bottle and then use you as a missile to throw at the police."

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MPs To Claim For Black Markers Used To Censor Expenses Claims

MPs are expected to claim thousands of pounds for the black markers they will use to censor their expenses claims, it emerged last night.

On the day backbenchers accepted a 2.3% pay rise they warned that paying for the extra- thick marker pens themselves would leave them with very little change from their £65,000 salaries.

Meanwhile, as the Daily Mash launched its 'Send Your MP a Photograph of Ceausescu Shortly Before They Put Him Up Against a Wall' campaign, the leaders of the three main parties pretended to call for an immediate overhaul of the expenses system in a concerted bid to make the story go away.

Gordon Brown told reporters at Downing Street: "Let me be clear – I will say whatever it is you need me to say about this until you get bored of it."

Tory Leader David Cameron added: "Until you get bored of this issue, anything that needs to be said, I'll say it. I am absolutely clear on that."

And Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg insisted: "I couldn't be clearer on this. Until the boredom sets in, the things that need to be said to you by me will be said by me."

But Tom Logan, Labour MP for North Watford, said: "It's vital that backbench MPs are able to maintain a steady supply of really good black markers, especially those that live more than 15 minutes from central London.

"Everyone knows that the further you get from London the drier and less effective your marker pen becomes.

"Indeed in my constituency a marker pen will only work if it is accompanied by a 42" plasma screen TV, an antique fireplace and all 14 volumes of Big Wet Asses."

He added: "Luckily I'll never have to explain any of that thanks to the black marker pen. It's what's known as a 'virtuous circle'."