UNHAPPINESS is now punishable by death, under new laws funded by Coca-Cola.
The multinational fizzy pop behemoth, whose current marketing campaign promotes happiness as a choice, is using its political leverage to execute anyone not filled with joy.
A Coca Cola spokesman said: “Happiness is all around us, it’s in a child’s laugh or the humming of a bee.
“Even if your house has just been destroyed in a rocket launcher attack you can still grab yourself a Coke which will make everything alright again.
“If you are not happy there is something wrong with you, something serious which could contaminate the rest of humanity.”
The first public executions of unhappy people will take place at Hyde Park, where Pharrell will perform an acappella rendition of annoying song Happy before pulling a lever that makes them plummet into a tank full of hungry mako sharks.
Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I think this is a great idea, because it’s Coca Cola and they are a magical massive corporation that delights me.
“Look at my big lovely smile, I am full of joy even if you think you see fear in my eyes.
“I’m happy, so happy, please don’t take my family.”