Coca-Cola to execute people who aren’t happy

UNHAPPINESS is now punishable by death, under new laws funded by Coca-Cola.

The multinational fizzy pop behemoth, whose current marketing campaign promotes happiness as a choice, is using its political leverage to execute anyone not filled with joy.

A Coca Cola spokesman said: “Happiness is all around us, it’s in a child’s laugh or the humming of a bee.

“Even if your house has just been destroyed in a rocket launcher attack you can still grab yourself a Coke which will make everything alright again.

“If you are not happy there is something wrong with you, something serious which could contaminate the rest of humanity.”

The first public executions of unhappy people will take place at Hyde Park, where Pharrell will perform an acappella rendition of annoying song Happy before pulling a lever that makes them plummet into a tank full of hungry mako sharks.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I think this is a great idea, because it’s Coca Cola and they are a magical massive corporation that delights me.

“Look at my big lovely smile, I am full of joy even if you think you see fear in my eyes.

“I’m happy, so happy, please don’t take my family.”

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University of Life brings in tuition fees

STUDENTS hoping to move on to higher education from the University of Life must now pay a four-figure annual sum.

The UL’s BSc course in Street Savvy has a worldwide reputation for excellence producing successful graduates such as Lord Sugar and Jamie Oliver, while Cara Delevigne and Prince Harry both attended the BA course in Being Born Beautiful and/or Rich.

Such courses have traditionally been free, but from September students who opt to learn by getting their hands dirty will pay either with cash, payday loans or an addiction to crystal meth.

Defending the introduction of the £9.000 a year fees, the government said, “Is it really fair that hardworking British families have to pay for their kids’ education at some uni that used to be a motorway service station, while benefit scroungers can get it gratis just by selling snide Armani jumpers their mate Shannon got off some geezer in Poplar?”

Former politician Nigel Farage, himself a UL graduate, said: “I studied free for my degree in Good Sound Common Sense. I’d very much like that opportunity for all British people, unfortunately too many illegal immigrants are abusing the system.

“I can’t give any specific examples of this, but as my old tutor always used to say, it stands to reason, doesn’t it?”