Come And See Our Hot Lesbians, Says Swindon

SWINDON is a hotbed of unbridled lesbian sex, the town’s borough council claimed last night.

The Wiltshire town has unveiled a multi-million campaign to establish itself as Britain’s answer to Chako Paul City, the mythical Swedish town filled with 25,000 beautiful lesbians that men say simply has to exist.

A council spokesman said: “Our lesbians are totally uninhibited and can’t resist stripping off and caressing each other’s taut bodies in the street.

“Just a minute ago I saw a pair of them going at it on the bench outside Poundstretcher, soon attracting a dozen or so more who arrived clutching cans of whipped cream and a big bag of courgettes.

“Many of our local lesbians wear school or nurse uniforms, while others prefer to dress as 80s-style warrior princesses with chainmail bikinis and massive rubber swords.  I’m thinking Beastmaster or maybe Red Sonja with Brigitte Neilsen.”

He added: “And while the lesbian sexual debauchery never ends in Swindon, the town also boasts an excellent railway history museum, a Debenhams and one of Europe’s largest roundabouts.”

But some local residents insist the promotional leaflets, which feature the slogan ‘Lez go to Swindon’ and cut-out images of the actresses from Young Emmanuelle superimposed over an aerial shot of Swindon’s burgeoning industrial park, are misleading.

Bill McKay, a retired policeman, said: “It’s nonsense, there’s never been any lesbians in Swindon, apart from that quiet librarian who wore flat shoes, but she moved away after some kids set fire to her shed.”

Despite the controversy, several other UK boroughs have been quick to follow suit with similar campaigns, including ‘Winchester – One Massive Orgy’ and ‘Luton: The Town Where Breasts are Made’.




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I Will Release Bruce Forsyth Into The Wild, Declares Cameron

ONE of the first acts of a Conservative government would be to take Bruce Forsyth into some woods and then let him go, David Cameron declared yesterday.

In his keynote speech to the Tory conference, Mr Cameron said he was sickened by the sight of the once majestic Strictly Come Dancing presenter being forced to apologise by BBC homosexuals and communists.

He said: "Britain will not be free until Bruce Forsyth is free. Then, and only then, will it be nice to see Britain, to see Britain nice.

"When I am prime minister I will coax Bruce into a large wooden crate, stick him on the back of a truck and then take him to the Forest of Dean where he can run around all day telling people that Paki is just a funny word."

In a wide-ranging speech Mr Cameron also pledged to destroy the British government, force dead people to work in Asda and drag everyone up a mountain so we can see all the land that is owned by his wife's family.

He said: "There's a steep climb ahead but the view from the top is worth it. Especially if it's yours as far as the eye can see."

The Tory leader called for a country of self-reliant people who knew how to pitch a tent, tie a knot, start a camp fire and cook a sausage after a day-long hike up Ben Nevis.

He added: "Britain, let me be your scoutmaster. I promise I will never try to feel you up or take photos of you in your trunks."

But Liam Byrne, chief secretary to the Treasury, dismissed the speech, adding: "It's the same old Tory plan to push thousands of poor people off the top of a big Scottish mountain.

"They're basically murderers."