Dads hold candlelight vigil for Maplin

BRITAIN’S fathers are in mourning for Maplin, the electronics retailer where they kept their dreams of drones and integrated USB sockets alive. 

As the troubled chain went into administration, middle-aged men showed their support outside its shops with candles, prayers and discussions about whether gold-plated banana plugs really offered improved audio fidelity.

Father-of-two Martin Bishop said: “Please God, don’t let Maplin be taken away from me. Where will I browse external hard drives now?

“There’s still so much I wanted us to do together. We were going to install a mini-CCTV six-camera system that I can control from the TV. Now what? Now what?”

Fellow dad Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve built a shrine outside our local Maplin with hundreds of LED candles arranged around a surge-protected multi-socket. Now all we can do is pray.

“I can’t imagine a world without affordable decent quality German-made solar string lights. I could get them cheaper off Amazon but there isn’t the emotional connection of talking to the bald bloke at the till.”

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World Book Day becomes World Shut Up And Watch Telly Day

SCHOOL closures have turned World Book Day into World Shut Up And Put Something Else On Netflix I’m Trying To Work Day, parents have confirmed. 

The closure of many of Britain’s schools because of snow means that children could stay at home and enjoy the magic of reading if that was not too much trouble for parents.

Mary Fisher of Stafford said: “In theory I should make them read their books then give them telly as a reward, but in practice I’ve cut out the middleman.

“Oi! Why’s that telly off? Stop playing imagination games, I haven’t got time to tidy up after you.”

Daughter Amelia said: “Mummy says telly is like a book but with just one big, moving page. So this morning I’m reading Loose Women.”