Depraved animal doesn’t hope email recipient is well

A PSYCHOPATHIC monster has sent an email to a co-worker without expressing hope for their well-being.

Account manager Julian Cook was visibly shaken to receive the message, which displayed a callous indifference to his physical and mental health.

He said: “You never imagine you’ll get to see the darkest recesses of the human soul, but today I witnessed pure evil.

“After a cursory ‘Hi Tom’ the email was straight to business. No interest in my welfare. There could be no clearer signal that he despises me and wishes me dead.

“I wish he’d just had the decency and honesty to start his email, ‘Hi Tom, I’m fantasising about your fiery demise, but I’m obliged to contact you about the Anderson account.’”

However, email sender Wayne Hayes replied: “He started it.

“My last email from him ended ‘Regards’. Not ‘Warmest regards’. He may as well have driven over here and punched me in the face.”

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Father weeps tears of joy on realising he has seen his last Peppa Pig

THE father of a four-year-old wept tears of unashamed joy upon realising he will never watch Peppa Pig again for the rest of his life. 

Tom Booker of Stafford at first did not react when his youngest daughter said ‘Don’t like Peppa, Ben & Holly instead,’ then fell to his knees with the revelation that his 12-year ordeal was finally over.

He said: “Oh God, can it be true? Am I free of this yoke of porcine tyranny at last?

“I was just a young man back in 2005 when I put it on to calm my first child, who is now in secondary school. It seemed harmless. Even witty.

“I did not understand, back then, that I would come to know those 208 episodes better than I know any work of art or literature. I no longer remember a word of Middlemarch. Grandpa’s Little Train overwrote it long ago.

“Farewell, Mister Skinnylegs. Goodbye, Foggy Day. Sayonara, Sun, Sea and Snow, which is where the show jumped the shark in my opinion.

“Today, I become once again a man.”