BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.
The post-lockdown dog ownership boom has seen dogs accepted everywhere from hairdressers to cinemas to restaurants, as long as the dogs in question are responsibly owned and have names like Xavier and O’Connell.
Francesca Ryan said: “It’s a joy to welcome you and your dog into my gin distillery. I can’t think of a single way it would make anyone’s shopping experience less pleasant.
“However, I’m afraid that doesn’t apply if your dog isn’t a virtuous rescue, a named breed ending in ‘oo’ or ‘oodle’ or isn’t clad in a wonderfully ironic hand-knitted jumper. It just wouldn’t be right.
“It’s not really about behaviour, because middle-class dogs obey commands about as well as middle-class children. But when the owner half-heartedly shouts its name it should be called something like Akira or Hunter, not Tyson or Princess.
“The only exception that should be made is if the dog is a service dog, which I will of course allow regardless of breed or class after inspecting the necessary paperwork and as long as it’s not a Staffie.
“Above everything, I want to reassure everyone I am nothing if not principled. I also believe working-class dogs should not be allowed in public places.”