'Dogs welcome' only refers to middle-class dogs, businesses clarify

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money. 

The post-lockdown dog ownership boom has seen dogs accepted everywhere from hairdressers to cinemas to restaurants, as long as the dogs in question are responsibly owned and have names like Xavier and O’Connell.

Francesca Ryan said: “It’s a joy to welcome you and your dog into my gin distillery. I can’t think of a single way it would make anyone’s shopping experience less pleasant.

“However, I’m afraid that doesn’t apply if your dog isn’t a virtuous rescue, a named breed ending in ‘oo’ or ‘oodle’ or isn’t clad in a wonderfully ironic hand-knitted jumper. It just wouldn’t be right.

“It’s not really about behaviour, because middle-class dogs obey commands about as well as middle-class children. But when the owner half-heartedly shouts its name it should be called something like Akira or Hunter, not Tyson or Princess.

“The only exception that should be made is if the dog is a service dog, which I will of course allow regardless of breed or class after inspecting the necessary paperwork and as long as it’s not a Staffie.

“Above everything, I want to reassure everyone I am nothing if not principled. I also believe working-class dogs should not be allowed in public places.”

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We ask you: should the Queen sign up for Strictly?

QUEEN Camilla has confirmed she is an ardent Strictly Come Dancing fan who personally overrules the judges and chooses the winners. But should she appear on the show? 

Norman Steele, market trader: “Why not? She deserves to know what a proper good shag’s like before she goes.”

Margaret Gerving, retired teacher: “I’m absolutely against it. That show ruins lives. Look at Ann Widdecombe. She was on track to become prime minister until she buggered up her American Smooth.”

Oliver O’Connor, charity volunteer: “Opens the floodgates, doesn’t it. Before long Harry’s on I’m A Celebrity, the Duke of Edinbugh’s on Dancing On Ice and Princess Anne’s winning Sports Personality of the Year. Oh hang on, that last one happened.”

Joanna Kramer, solicitor: “Personally I feel it would be disrespectful of her position not to consider her a professional dancer already, kick out one of the Polish ones, give her a permanent role and then partner her with a nice man like that Stuart Broad.”

Julian Cook, wealth manager: “The entire viewing audience must stand from start to finish of every show, out of respect. If we can agree to that then yes.”