Dumped Woman In Bid To Corner Global Cocoa Market

GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.

Hollis, from Grantham, purchased around seven percent of the world’s chocolate last week after Stephen Malley confirmed that although he loved her, he wasn’t in love with her.

She said: “The plan was to just get a couple of grab-bags of Maltesers that I could eat while calling my best friend Emma and crying down the phone in a bloated orgy of self-justification.

“But my self-control gave out and before I knew it I was in a meeting with the board of Cadbury and posing as the chief executive of Borrison’s, a fictitious supermarket chain that will soon be opening stores across the Midlands and East Anglia.”

Nikki’s original plan was to devour the stockpile while watching the two-part season finale of Grey’s Anatomy and casually masturbating.

But now she intends to increase her cocoa holdings, drive up the price and sell at the top of the market before using the money to build a giant bomb that kills self-centred arseholes.

Tom Logan, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Price hikes like this can cause instability for low volume producers in the developing world. Let’s just hope she doesn’t find out that Stephen and Emma have been at it since March.”

Paul Mansa, a Ghanian cocoa farmer, said: “My wife blames Stephen entirely. However Nikki seems like an annoying, self-absorbed cow so I can understand Stephen’s position.

“Plus, that Emma is into all kinds of weird shit.”


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We've Got Lasers Now, Says Navy

WE’VE got bloody lasers and everything now, the Royal Navy said last night.

The Ministry of Defence signed a contract for the Raytheon surface-to-air laser after senior ofifcers tried one at the Farnborough air show and said it was totally brilliant.

Admiral Sir Roy Hobbs said: “Brigadier Hayes got well longer on it than I did but I was all like ‘Pyow! Pyow! Pyow!†and the unmanned plane just went ‘ba-BOOOSH!’ and there was fire everywhere.

“I’m getting six of them. One for the Navy, one for my pal Geoff and four for me. I’m going to have one in my bedroom, one on my bike and two on my mum’s car. ”

A Raytheon spokesman said: “The deployment of solid state laser technology reflects not only the need for innovation in a changing battle environment but also means you get to hold something that is just totally cool as fuck.

“I got to fire one at a melon. It was amazing.”

Hobbs said he was keen to install the Raytheons in the fleet immediately, but has conceded that engineers must make sure all the parts have arrived first and that they need to be painted and left to dry before assembly.

He added: “As soon as they’re fitted I’m going to sail to Afghanistan and I’ll be all waiting for an enemy plane to fly overhead.

“And the American officers will be like ‘Let’s fire rockets at it’ and I’ll just zap it with my laser and they’ll be all like ‘what the fuck?’ and I’ll be like ‘have you not got one?'”