GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.
Hollis, from Grantham, purchased around seven percent of the world’s chocolate last week after Stephen Malley confirmed that although he loved her, he wasn’t in love with her.
She said: “The plan was to just get a couple of grab-bags of Maltesers that I could eat while calling my best friend Emma and crying down the phone in a bloated orgy of self-justification.
“But my self-control gave out and before I knew it I was in a meeting with the board of Cadbury and posing as the chief executive of Borrison’s, a fictitious supermarket chain that will soon be opening stores across the Midlands and East Anglia.”
Nikki’s original plan was to devour the stockpile while watching the two-part season finale of Grey’s Anatomy and casually masturbating.
But now she intends to increase her cocoa holdings, drive up the price and sell at the top of the market before using the money to build a giant bomb that kills self-centred arseholes.
Tom Logan, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Price hikes like this can cause instability for low volume producers in the developing world. Let’s just hope she doesn’t find out that Stephen and Emma have been at it since March.”
Paul Mansa, a Ghanian cocoa farmer, said: “My wife blames Stephen entirely. However Nikki seems like an annoying, self-absorbed cow so I can understand Stephen’s position.
“Plus, that Emma is into all kinds of weird shit.”