Eggs to buy Twitter

THE forthcoming Twitter flotation is set to attract massive investment from the social network’s thriving egg community.

Legions of Twitter users are blank eggs, and they plan to reflect their presence on the site by buying a majority of shares when the business floats later this year.

Egg Tom Logan said: “People look at Twitter and say ‘Hey, most of these users are completely silent eggs, maybe this business isn’t worth $12 billion.’ But we eggs know we’re worth that and more.

“That account that begins ‘Well, I thought I’d try this Twitter thing out,’ retweets Stephen Fry, and never tweets again?

“That’s an egg, letting the human mask drop at last.

“Sometimes we attempt to reach out to people with unsolicited offers of things we know they enjoy, like pornography or free iPads, but they never respond.

“Once we own Twitter, we will drive the people away. Their noise and chatter will be banished and we will settle into the infinite undisturbed perfection of a social network entirely our own.

“Forever will last the silence of the eggs.”

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Netflix unveils half a million new film genres

STREAMING service Netflix has added several hundred thousand new film categories, including Upbeat Nocturnal Mammal Docu-Romance and Fanciful Tramp Comedy.

Executives believe the new genres will take the site’s already bewildering categorisation in previously unimaginable niches.

A Netflix spokesman said: “Sometimes you get home from work tired, and you just want to relax in from an Animated Socially Aware Suburban Steamy Fantasy Drama.

“Or a Frantic Dystopian Family Revenge Western, or a Densely-Plotted Mildly Erotic Coming Of Age Dog Musical.”