New cabinet told to have more affairs

THE Prime Minister has instructed his new cabinet to initiate high-profile sex scandals.

David Cameron has contrasted Conservative performance in the 1980s, when Thatcher’s Cabinet were at it with anything that moved, with the lacklustre approval ratings of his sexually straitlaced team.

David Cameron said: “We have been selfishly ignoring the grand tradition and leaving poor old Boris to do the shagging of ten men.”

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “The Whip is really pushing me to get caught doing escort work.

“Obviously I’ve done dominatrix stuff for the really big party donors, but I was hoping I’d be let off with a straightforward extra-marital affair.”

Cameron has ordered Michael Gove to have an affair with his secretary, Ed Davey to get his sister-in-law pregnant, and Jeremy Hunt to be filmed leaving a Vauxhall gay club with a muscular, pot-bellied ‘bear’.

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I've been snubbed by the future king

Dear Holly,

I am shocked and disappointed to learn that I’m not invited to Prince George’s christening later this month. Apparently it’s going to be a very intimate affair, and I’m not the only one to be snubbed, but you’d assume a top horsewoman like myself would be first on the list. Obviously Kate and William are still kicking themselves for choosing George for a name instead of something more befitting of a future king, for example Jett Riviera.

Katie Price


Dear Katie,

Don’t worry, the only parties worth attending are those to which you haven’t been invited. All it takes is for one middle-class twerp to post details of her Barbie-themed sleepover on Facebook and next thing you know, you and half the town is spilling Ribena all over a white cashmere sofa and treading Frazzles into the carpet. Although you’ll probably not get a look-in at pass the parcel and the jelly and ice cream will be in short supply, you’ll still have plenty of fun writing rude words on the kitchen cupboards with a Sharpie.

Hope that helps!