Struggling badger cull may switch to cats

THE government cull may switch to cats as badgers are quite hard to kill.

The controversial badger cull has proved difficult to execute because badgers live underground, actively avoid humans and can run very quickly for an animal with such short legs.

A spokesman said: “Cats are just as problematic as badgers but in a different way. Cat turds make kids go blind. Also you can be stroking a cat and it will suddenly bite your hand, for no reason.

“Plus cats are everywhere, and can be summoned by shaking a box that contains cat biscuits. If we could thin out cat numbers that would definitely be an achievement.”

Marksman Tom Booker admitted: “Badgers are very elusive. You can follow the badger prints for a bit and then they just disappear. They’re like ghosts or something.

“Perhaps they are the spirits of our ancestors. I don’t know, to be honest they’re starting to creep me out.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I dislike this idea, because most cats have names. My mum always told me ‘never kill anything with a name’ and I’ve stuck to that.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Right-wing BBC launched

THE BBC has announced new channel BBC Right One, aimed at right-wing viewers.

Highlights will include The Daily Proms, Grumpy Old Men Are Unfailingly Correct and a new series of Miranda where she’s committed to an asylum for being over 35.

A spokesman said: “In response to over 53,000 letters, many of them on headed notepaper from Mr C Smith of ‘Thrushbrook’ in Cirencester, we have launched a new service that actively resents the rest of the BBC.

“We’re bringing back Dixon of Dock Green, who in episode one is tried for murder for shooting a student who was urinating on a war memorial, but is acquitted by a judge he’d let off for a speeding offence a month before.

“BBC Right One is not against gays, it sternly tolerates them.

“There will be black actors, but mainly in the context of sitcoms where they move in next door and upset their neighbours.

“And then of course there’s Top Gear.”

BBC Right One will only be broadcast south of Luton, and between 5pm and 11pm because its viewers have bloody jobs to go to.

Retired Colonel Tom Booker said: “Welcome, though long overdue.

“But when are they going to do the same with CBeebies? That Iggle Piggle is a rabble-rousing Marxist.”