Elderly Australian man satisfied with purchase

AN Australian pensioner today declared the British government to be excellent value for money.

Rupert Murdoch, 97, from Geelong, said he had been buying British governments for years and would recommend them to anyone.

Mr Murdoch, who likes Chinese people but not French people, said: “It does what it’s supposed to do without a lot of fiddling about with internets and call centres and what have you.

“As soon as I get a new one I always test it with a takeover deal and then I immerse it in the bath. These things are rock solid.”

Mr Murdoch used his new government to take over a television channel after buying it for just two Sun editorials and a photo-shopped picture of Gordon Brown as an Afro-Caribbean rapist.

Meanwhile experts said that while many on the left would be horrified by Mr Murdoch’s customer satisfaction, they still had not explained what is actually wrong with it instead of their fantasy version of what is wrong with it.

Julian Cook, professor of reminding everyone the media is a business at Roehampton University, said: “They say it will mean the death of the BBC. First of all, the BBC has recently announced its own version of the X Factor, so fuck it right in the ear.

“And secondly, there is no evidence whatsoever the BBC will die. None. Not a shred. They are making it up, a bit like a News of the World journalist.

“And remember, even though Sky is every bit as bad as the BBC, you don’t go to jail for not bolting a fucking dish to your house.”

Meanwhile, according to sources in the Guardian canteen, Sky News is about to appoint a holocaust denial editor and launch a weekly show where a prominent feminist gets kicked in the face by a gang of Page Three lovelies.

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Fifa cranks up the piss-taking

ENGLAND have been moved to fourth in the world rankings in a move clearly designed to flip the FA the bird.

The top 10 is calculated using a series of factors including recent uninspiring draws against Third-World countries and how funny it would be to blow smoke up an entire nation’s arse. These figures are then fed into a computer that uses a complicated algorithm also employed to calculate Sepp Blatter’s expenses claims.

Blatter said: “No, England, you’re tons better than Brazil or Argentina, I really really mean that and as a reward I’m going to take the World Cup off Russia and let you hav…AAAAAHHHH!!!! SICK BURN!”

He then ran around FIFA headquarters shouting ‘Psych!’ for several minutes before collapsing onto a chaise longue made entirely out of financial inducements and restoring his energy with a 12-course snack.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “If we were to take England’s rating at face value, we’d have to accept that by the time you got to teams in the 25-plus ranking you’d be looking at a group of seven vaguely-humanoid beings that could identify a football if induced to do so with a lump of raw meat.

“By rating Wales at 114th, FIFA are essentially crediting them with less sentience than an Argos biro, which I’m not necessarily saying is wrong.”

Fifa will release England’s true rating later today, expected to be somewhere in the 50s, dropping five places every time the FA use the word ‘corruption’.

Fabio Capello said: “When I first saw that we are fourth, I watch training DVDs of Peter Crouch and John Terry and think – how do you say? – ‘my saggy left bollock are we fourth’.”