Pupils assure teachers they'll always think they're dicks

INDUSTRIAL action by teachers will not undermine pupils’ lack of respect for them, it has been confirmed.

Some teachers had worried that strike action over pension cuts would diminish the towering esteem in which they are held by their bright-eyed young charges.

However pupils have responded by stressing that they have never actually considered them to be human beings.

Stephen Malley, 13,  from Swindon said: “Some of the teachers at my school are striking, some are not. It’s a personal choice I suppose but either way, they’re all massive twats.

“Plus they have all failed in life because otherwise they wouldn’t be teachers. They’d be rappers or footballers.

“But I definitely don’t dislike them more for striking. I can stay at home and learn from the television.”

Kyle Thompson, 12 from Peterborough, added: “Our French teacher Mrs Bradford said she was going to cross the picket line because otherwise it would affect our education and also the bond of trust between her and us.

“That’s all fine but what really matters is that Mrs Bradford has a massive minge. She took us for swimming and I saw that she is pretty much all the hair from the waist down.

“When I saw it I puked in my mouth.”


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A guide to strike etiquette

AS the country’s public servants once again challenge Britain to notice the difference, experts have issued an essential guide to national strike etiquette.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Too many people in Britain have forgotten the importance of good manners during an angry strike. This simple guide should ensure that the strikers’ absurd demands are politely ignored without it descending into a foul-mouthed brouhaha.”

National strike dos and don’ts:

When crossing a picket line do so with poise and grace. Imagine one is trying to balance a badly educated child on one’s head.

However, it is important to remember you are now in the striker’s place of entitlement. The striker is your host and you should treat them with respect. Do not put your feet up on the seats they put their feet up on.

If one finds oneself eating lunch in the same restaurant as a striker, always use a dessert fork to stab them in the face when when they start helping themselves to a third of your soup.

Never be arrogant or condescending – particularly when pointing out the horrendous spelling mistakes on a teacher’s placard.

Listen patiently and politely to the striker as he or she explains loudly why their pension needs to be better than yours, before smiling and saying ‘thank you so much, that was very entertaining’. You should then offer them a sweet – perhaps a Rolo or a Chewitt.

Do not burp, spit or pick your nose at them.

A man should always open a door for a lady striker, even though she will find it violently sexist.

If the striker continues to insist that you should pay for his pension and that he should retire five years earlier than you, always say ‘pardon me?’ rather than ‘huh?’, ‘come again?’ or ‘what in the name of shitting fuck are you talking about you delusional, self-serving piss-bucket?’.