Energy companies facing huge unexpected bills offered prepayment meters

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

Companies such as Bulb and Octopus Energy have been inundated with emails and leaflets encouraging them to switch to a prepayment meter, which they will be able to top up at any participating retailer with a little key.

Gas wholesaler CEO Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s really easy. Use your debit cards, or cash if they won’t let you have a debit card, get the money credited to your energy business’s corporate account, pop the key back in the meter. Sorted.

“It’ll be set up somewhere inconvenient like right at the back of the cupboard under the stairs so it’s difficult to check how much is on it, and the key just won’t work sometimes and you’ll have to phone us up.

“We load all your debt onto the meter so you’re paying it off as you pay for the gas you’re using, and there’s a special higher rate for gas because we’ve gone to all this trouble of giving you this lovely meter.

“Keep it topped up with a few million a week – if you ask how, I say ‘by budgeting’ – and it won’t run out cutting off thousands of households at, say, 3pm on Christmas Day leaving you desperately scrambling to find an open Co-op.”

An Ofgem spokesman said: “Those energy f**kers have been rinsing us for years. They deserve it.”

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Woman really horny for twenty minutes first thing in morning

A WOMAN has found she is super-horny for about 20 minutes straight just after waking up. 

Carolyn Ryan is down to f**k between about 7am and 7.20am, when her husband is fast asleep and she has no time to do anything but get ready for work.

She said: “Waking up horny at 6am, just before the alarm goes? Sure. Friday night on Adam’s birthday, after three courses and getting the babysitter a taxi home? Not so much.

“Technically I wake up about two minutes before the alarm, ready to go, with two choices. The first, theoretically logical one is to seductively awaken my chosen life partner and to make tender, passionate love.

“This would be ideal if he wasn’t comatose, and wouldn’t be woozy and bemused with fiendish morning breath. Plus I’m still pissed off he didn’t do the hoovering.

“So there’s another more practical option, which given I need a shower anyway is the one I tend to take.

“Obviously I risk hitting a crucial point in proceedings just as his alarm goes off, but they do say in life it’s important to give yourself a deadline.”