REMEMBER me? I’m the guy that overwhelmingly won the moral argument in 2017 and 2019. And now you’re living in my 1970s heaven. Let me show you round:
The supply chain’s broken down and there’s less than ever on the shelves, which is great news for Britain. Less consumerism means less capitalism means more socialism equals win. You never needed all that fancy imported pasta. What your soul really craved was an allotment.
The three-day week? Long evenings spent reading by candlelight? Petrol strictly rationed? We never had it so good. Collapsing energy companies mean those days are back, and our nation will once again wear thick hand-knitted jumpers while going to bed at 7pm. From such fertile loam communism grows.
Another powerful anti-consumerism measure that means famillies only buy what is necessary, rather than decadent nonsense like Funko Pops, cars and Gü desserts. A Britain where some of the people can afford a Freddo is unjust. A Britain where nobody can afford a Freddo is fair.
Of course the Tories have put up tax. While I sit back wisely and shake my silver head in amazement, they steal every line of my brilliant manifesto. Whatevs. Anyway, tax rises are wonderful and pay for public services, and soon all services will be public because they’ll be privatised to stop them going bankrupt. The state will be all.
Confessions films back in the cinemas
Power cuts will send a pornography-addicted nation back to cinemas for the plump breasts and leering laddishness of Robin Askwith’s classic Confessions films. British cinema will be revitalised by new Confessions films, starring Ben Whishaw, Florence Pugh and Anya Taylor-Joy and directed by my pal Ken Loach. I will make a cameo as a night watchman.
Inevitably our underpaid HGV drivers and care workers will strike, because there’s a labour shortage and they now hold the upper hand. And they won’t be the last. Soon the whole country will be paralysed by striking workers from every walk of life and I’ll be at the picket line with them because I live for this shit. So glad we left the EU.