Estate Agents Now Showing Houses To Other Estate Agents

BRITAIN'S estate agents are showing houses to each other in a bid to combat loneliness and prevent their traditional skills from dying out.

With house sales non-existent there is mounting concern the ancient arts of describing the different rooms inside a property and then walking around it with someone could soon become extinct.

Last night estate agent Tom Logan told estate agent Bill McKay this was a charming property that had undergone extensive renovation and although it was at the upper end of his budget he should really have a look at it.

McKay agreed that the renovations have been done tastefully but wondered what he would do with this large room that contained both a cooker and a refrigerator.

Logan explained that this room was a kitchen where McKay would be able to store and prepare food.

He then directed McKay to a large cupboard under the stairs that not only contained a toilet but had storage room for cloaks and other outdoor garments.

McKay said this was a useful feature but stressed he was particularly keen to discover if the house included any rooms where he could put a bed for the purposes of sleeping.

Logan said the house had three rooms which fitted this description as well as an additional room which contained similar equipment to the cloak storage area but also included a long, white pot that could be filled with hot water.

McKay said the pot seemed big enough to hold an adult human and that the room would be perfect for personal cleansing, as well as the expulsion of waste.

Logan agreed and said he was looking forward to phoning McKay eight times a day until he agreed to put in an offer.

M&S Staff To Be Sacked By Dervla Kirwan

MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.

Managers hope Kirwan's sexy but soothing voice will not only minimise the shock of redundancy but ensure the ex-workers continue to spend what little money they have in the company's stores.

Head office staff will be sacked in person by Kirwan, while shop floor workers will be dismissed seductively via webcam.

Senior staff can choose to be sacked by Kirwan as she pours thick Devonshire double cream over their head and then licks it off while whispering 'you're fired' in their ear.

Or they can watch Kirwan fashion the words 'you're fired' from a healthy dollop of spring onion mash before drizzling it with a red wine gravy and then sucking it off a spoon.

An M&S spokesman said: "It's very important that we retain the brand loyalty of the people we're discarding. Redundancy money is as good as any other money.

"If you've been trudging the cold streets all day looking for a job what you really need is a piping hot chicken and mushroom pie made with succulent free range corn-fed chicken breast, fresh, fragrant chanterelle mushrooms and a moist, buttery short crust pastry."

The spokesman added: "And, of course, when you're unemployed the last thing you need is to be confronted with the soul-destroying horror of an unpeeled carrot."