ALL problems at Sports Direct will disappear now Mike Ashley is chief executive, jubilant employees have confirmed.
Majority shareholder Ashley has replaced chief executive Dave Forsey in a move described by staff as “a new dawn for working practices.”
Warehouse operative Wayne Hayes said: “Our long zero-hours nightmare is finally over.
“Mike Ashley is a man of the people, a man who listens to his staff and unhesitatingly acts in their best interests, whatever the costs to the business and to him personally.
“I hear he always carries a huge wad of £50 notes in his pocket to be distributed to the needy and suffering. That’s how big-hearted he is.
“Just look at how he’s delighted the fans of Newcastle in the nine years since he bought the club. He literally can do no wrong.”
Ashley said: “We’re switching to minus-hours contracts. If you don’t work a minimum ten hours a week, you pay us.”