Facebook Distracting Workers From Underpaid, Soul-Destroying Tedium, Says CBI

SOCIAL networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace are distracting office workers from the hellish, brain-curdling reality that is their shabby, predictable and ultimately meaningless lives, according to a new report from the Confederation of British Industry.

The CBI is concerned that surfing the internet is preventing workers from reaching financial targets that will bring them no measurable benefits, but will swell executive bonuses by up to 220% a year.

They are calling on the government to introduce legislation that will ban workers from thinking about the slightest hint of a possibility that life may not in fact be a relentlessly nauseating sea of shit.

Meryl Blears, a 28 year-old financial assistant from Swindon, said: "I like Facebook because it gives me hope that one day I'll have actual conversations with people who don't secretly want to kill themselves."

Kate Braff, 22, from Bristol, added: "I like MySpace because I can see photographs of human beings enjoying things like fresh food and pets, rather than staring all day at a spreadsheet filled with my chief executive's brothel expenses."

Brian Greatbatch, 36, from Bedford, said: "So far this year my boss has spent about 45 minutes at his desk and that was because he wanted to redesign his office before ordering a snooker table for his boat.

"On the way out he told me that if I wanted to look at Facebook I should quit my job, become a drug addict, lose my house and end up begging for money so that I could buy a cup of coffee in an internet cafe and stand behind someone who was looking at Facebook.

"Then he hit me on the head with his shoe. It's men like him who are keeping the Chinese at bay."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

TUC Raises Threat Of Winter In Majorca

HARD-pressed public sector workers have threatened to spend the winter at their apartments in Santa Ponsa unless the government improves its offer on pay and conditions.

Trade Union leaders have told the Prime Minister that he must come forward with an inflation-busting wage rise and increased pension contributions or the south coast of Majorca will be teeming with striking British workers by the end of October.

TUC general secretary Brendan Barber said: "The Majorcan climate is wonderfully mild from November to January. There's nothing quite like Christmas dinner on the terrace followed by a stroll on the beach.

"I just wish more of our members could afford a detached villa rather than a pokey two-bedroom apartment with a shared pool. The ball is in the Prime Minister's court."

Ian Shattle, a 44 year-old planning officer from Essex, said: "The pool can be a bit cold at that time of year but there's an excellent Bonnie Tyler tribute band in the bar on Thursdays. You should hear this guy sing Total Eclipse. Un-believable."

He added: "If you get bored with the resort you can always take the hire car into Palma and buy shoes."

Helen Farkker, a 32 year-old occupational therapist from Wolverhampton, said: "Santa Ponsa has a lot of new build but it retains some original charm. I particularly like the fact that it's not full of Germans."

She added: "If the government hadn't spent so much money machine-gunning Arabs I'd be able to afford an extra week in the middle of June. And they've got the cheek to call themselves socialists."