SOCIAL networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace are distracting office workers from the hellish, brain-curdling reality that is their shabby, predictable and ultimately meaningless lives, according to a new report from the Confederation of British Industry.
The CBI is concerned that surfing the internet is preventing workers from reaching financial targets that will bring them no measurable benefits, but will swell executive bonuses by up to 220% a year.
They are calling on the government to introduce legislation that will ban workers from thinking about the slightest hint of a possibility that life may not in fact be a relentlessly nauseating sea of shit.
Meryl Blears, a 28 year-old financial assistant from Swindon, said: "I like Facebook because it gives me hope that one day I'll have actual conversations with people who don't secretly want to kill themselves."
Kate Braff, 22, from Bristol, added: "I like MySpace because I can see photographs of human beings enjoying things like fresh food and pets, rather than staring all day at a spreadsheet filled with my chief executive's brothel expenses."
Brian Greatbatch, 36, from Bedford, said: "So far this year my boss has spent about 45 minutes at his desk and that was because he wanted to redesign his office before ordering a snooker table for his boat.
"On the way out he told me that if I wanted to look at Facebook I should quit my job, become a drug addict, lose my house and end up begging for money so that I could buy a cup of coffee in an internet cafe and stand behind someone who was looking at Facebook.
"Then he hit me on the head with his shoe. It's men like him who are keeping the Chinese at bay."