Fred Goodwin having another lovely day

FORMER RBS chief Fred Goodwin is enjoying another lovely day while you pay off his debts.

As it emerged that Goodwin will cost Britain at least £7 billion, the ex-banker was toying with the idea of playing some golf and then going somewhere really nice for lunch.

Goodwin said: “I’m in the mood for fish today. No – scratch that – prawns, really big, juicy prawns. And some Chablis.

“What are you guys up to?”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I’ll be at my desk eating this sandwich I made at home because I haven’t had a pay rise since, oh let me think, two thousand and fucking eight.

“Now, what was it that happened back then? Oh yeah, it was you, fucking the fuck out of everything.”

Pulling on his golf sweater, Goodwin said: “If I was George Osborne I’d hang on to those RBS shares because I think they’re going to rocket in value. Trust me, I used to ‘dabble’ in finance. So, where did we get to on lunch?”

Bishop added: “Why aren’t you in jail?”

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Female scientists look ravishing when they take off their glasses

THERE is a striking transformation from ‘clever’ to ‘gorgeous’ whenever lady scientists take off their glasses, it has been claimed.

Following comments from Nobel laureate Tim Hunt about how laboratories should be gender segregated to avoid tempestuous affairs, male scientists confirmed that their hearts leap when the glasses come off.

Biologist Roy Hobbs said: “I spent four productive, sex-free years working on a genome project with a colleague I knew only as ‘Miss Hunt’.

“She was quite plain-looking, or so I always thought until one fateful day when she removed her glasses to wipe off some condensation.

“My jaw hit the floor, as did the test tube I was holding. Who was this goddess stood before me?

“‘Sweet Jesus,’ I stammered, ‘Miss Hunt, you are beautiful’. Then I took her in my arms and smothered her with kisses.

“Actually I didn’t do that. I just stared very hard into my microscope.”

Research scientist Emma Bradford said: “Last week my glasses fell off during an experiment. Everyone just went silent and someone emptied their pipette all over themselves. I was like, ‘what?’”

Meanwhile, physicist Marie Curie was renowned for her ability to go ‘from shrew to vixen’ simply by removing her hair grip.