Friday afternoon work to be replaced with art classes and PE

ALL work done on Friday afternoon is to be replaced by an art class or physical exercise.

Accepting the utter futility of Friday afternoons, companies across the country will offer pottery and watercolour lessons and a chaotic game of football in the car park.

Accounts assistant Emma Bradford said: “I usually spend Friday afternoon avoiding any work that might risk me having to stay later than five o’clock.

“But now that I’m going to be doing a mosaic of the sunset, I don’t mind sticking around until it’s finished.”

Company director Martin Bishop added: “Everyone hates working here, but I can’t let them go home early because that would make me less of a man. So, fuck it, we’ll turn off all the computers.

“Those who don’t want to play 30-a-side football can go to the staff room and paint Brian, the caretaker, in a life art class.

“He is quite spectacular.”

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Workers 'must take Secret Santa identity to the grave'

WORKERS have been told not to disclose their Secret Santa identity on pain of death.

Secret Santa is a sacred ritual dating back to Roman times, but in recent years some participants have openly discussed which present they bought, desecrating the noble tradition.

Company director Julian Cook said: “Many a good man has gone to the grave being the only one who knows he gave Carol from accounts a pocket-sized karma sutra, and that’s how it should be.

“We ask two things of our employees – that they spend a fiver or less and that they never reveal their identity, even under the most severe torture.”

Although the average amusement generated by a Secret Santa present is around seven seconds, employees across the country remain committed to the ritual.

Tom Logan said: “Last year I bought the present in disguise, wrapped it while wearing surgical gloves, put Lucy’s name on it in letters cut out from newspapers and then had it delivered to work by a courier, who I then had assassinated, poor chap.

“But then I went and blurted it out when I was pissed at the Christmas party.”