House prices to rise further, except in shitholes

HOUSE prices are rising so fast that home ownership is only possible in shitholes, say experts.

The average price of a property in locations like London or Bristol is expected to rise by six per cent in 2016, causing a housing crisis apart from in areas where nobody particularly wants to live.

Property expert Carolyn Ryan said: “What am I supposed to tell first-time buyers? That they can achieve their dream of home ownership if they just give up hope of living anywhere they’re not ashamed of?

“When we talk about the housing crisis, we’re talking about real places like Brighton or Leeds or the Cotswolds, not the blasted hinterlands like Swansea or Dundee that make up the vast majority of the UK.

“House prices are rising uncontrollably in areas that matter. There. Happy now?”

Self-employed electrician Norman Steele said: “Here in Derbyshire, all £300k buys me is a detached six-bedroom house with gardens front and rear set in stunning countryside.

“This crisis is absolutely out of control.”

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Liverpool fans braced for months of futile optimism

LIVERPOOL fans are gearing themselves up for six months of ultimately pointless optimism.

Once again Merseyside is confident the team can clinch the title, only not quite.

Liverpool fan Nathan Muir said: “I really believe that this season we can do it, but won’t do it.

“I can see us going all the way, three points clear with two games to go, only to lose to Watford at home after Mignolet throws the ball into his own net with no player near him.

“This is what Liverpool Football Club is all about. Passion. Heart. Desire. The shirt. Wanting it more than the other team. Wanting it so much you become paralysed with fear at the thought of not getting it.”

Muir added: “We’re like a man who’s desperate to impress the woman of his dreams on a date, and it’s all going brilliantly until he vomits on her pudding.”