Funky CV makes applicant stand out as tiresome little shit

HAVING an innovative multimedia CV makes you stand out from the pack as a particularly tedious person, according to employers.

IT company boss Mary Fisher said: “Most CVs just arrive typed out an a sheet of A4 with the section headings in bold.

“But in today’s highly competitive jobs markets some individuals go the extra mile, for example by making a mock newspaper about themselves or including a CD of them rapping about their project management experience.

“Imagine being shut in an office with someone like that for months, even years, on end. You would murder them.”

Recruitment consultant Roy Hobbs said: “People who do funky CVs are overly keen little bastards with no integrity, which is exactly what we’re looking for to fill an array of marketing and sales positions.

“It also helps if they have mean, piggy little eyes.”

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Green Party defence policy is to be really annoying

THE Green Party has revealed plans to replace soldiers with earnest bearded men who bang on about solar panels.

The ecologically-conscious party would save billions by disbanding the armed forces in favour of an annoying ‘Earnest Force’ consisting of overly sincerely middle-aged men with unruly facial hair, and condescending ladies with huge scarves.

A Green Party spokesman said: “We’ve found that people go to great lengths to avoid talking to us, so why not deploy that against threats to national security?

“Let’s say the Russians land at Portsmouth. We would immediately despatch our most devoted sexless windbags in a fleet of battery 2CVs and Renault 5s with ‘Ban Battery Farming’ stickers.

“They would engage the invaders in seemingly endless conversation about recycling and sandals unless they either see the error of their destructive ways or simply get bored and leave.

“A few hundred men who look like Michael Rosen banging on about composting and electric cars would be sufficient to have any hostile military mumbling excuses about a having a dental appointment.”