Goldman Sachs selection process involves a kitten and a chainsaw

PARTNERSHIP candidates at Goldman Sachs are asked to get creative with a kitten and a range of power tools, it has emerged.

The bi-annual selection process involves an elite group of the bank’s most psychotic employees, who take turns to enter a room known as ‘the Red Chamber’.

Candidate Stephen Malley said: “There are no instructions. A metal door swings open, and you enter a crimson-painted room.

“On the floor are an array of power tools – strimmers, drills, a chainsaw. I think there was an axe too.

“And in the middle of a room, on a plinth, is an adorable tabby kitten, snoozing on a knitted blanket.

“You have 30 minutes.

“I’m actually a very aggressive person so I thought the challenge was to not harm the kitten.

“However when I got back to my desk it had been cleared and a P45 was stapled to a picture of my kids.”

Goldman Sachs partner Julian Cook said: “So far today the process is going well, in fact I’ve had to call the pet shop for reinforcements.

“We’re having what is known as a ‘twenty kitten session’.”



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Kim Kardashian becomes Archbishop of Kanterbury

REALITY star Kim Kardashian has landed the top job in the modernised Church of England.

The American sex tape star is in the UK to sell frocks and don the ancient jazzy hat that will make her a spiritual figurehead for millions of ‘Kristians’.

Church bosses hope to exploit the American’s immense appeal to gullible people who feel their lives are meaningless.

A C of E spokesman said: “The typical Kardashian ‘fan’ has a mixture of confused self-loathing and a slavish, unquestioning devotion to a strange fantasy.

“These are exactly the people we need, to a tee.

“Also, local church roof funds will get a huge boost from selling designer handbags and fragrances to depressed housewives.

“We’ve been struggling to maintain interest in a wrathful, invisible sky-being but hefty jiggling boobs seem as popular as ever.

“And God, after all, created big boobs. So this is a marriage made, quite literally, in Heaven.”

Devout ‘Kristian’ Tom Logan said: “It’s certainly radical – she is the first head of the Anglican Church that I’ve watched on the internet noshing off a rapper.”