Olympic velodrome built on cursed burial ground

BRITAIN’S Olympic cycling success has invoked an ancient curse, it has been revealed.

Team GB’s medal-winning pushbicyclists are being picked off one by one as retribution for riding in the Olympic velodrome, which was built on the ancient graves of druids.

The powerful East London mystics were killed hundreds of years ago in a war with early cockneys. The graves were infused with a powerful curse to prevent pillaging by cheeky, chirpy urchins.

Cyclologist Wayne Hayes said: “Victoria Pendleton’s been advised to stay at home until we can dig up the floor of the velodrome, just in case she’s mauled by a pack of black dogs with glowing red eyes while a small, pale child looks on.

“Just when you thought British cycling was on the up, along comes a centuries-old supernatural evil. Typical.”

The remaining members of the cycling squad have been advised to look out for plummeting panes of glass or Carmina Burana suddenly striking up.

Transport For London have also added ‘druid curses’ to the list of dangers for cyclists in the capital alongside buses, taxis, pedestrians and being mistaken for Boris Johnson.

Hayes said: “Things could have been worse – the Olympic dressage took place on an old plague pit and vengeful spirits made the team eat their horses.”



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Obama regrets promising new Game of Thrones book

PRESIDENT Obama made a number of rash, personalised promises to voters, it has emerged.

Camera phone footage shows Ohio voter Tom Logan telling Obama that what he wants most is a new book in the popular Game of Thrones fantasy saga.

The president replies: “That’s not a problem. It’ll be a good one too, loads of dragons.

“Just put your cross in the box and leave it to Obama.”

The footage also shows Obama promising 38-year-old Mary Fisher that he will ‘stop her brother Phil being such a piece of shit’ and to get welder Roy Hobbs a nice, clean girlfriend.

Tom Logan said: “In his victory speech there was all the stuff about the economy and the environment, but Game of Thrones, or to give it its proper name A Song of Ice and Fire, wasn’t even mentioned.

“Where are his priorities now?”

A White House source said: “The president has emailed author George R R Martin twice, using block capitals in the subject heading, but George must be on holiday or something.

“Now this has re-emerged, Obama’s had to start writing the book himself. Right now it’s the last thing he needs, he’s missing loads of meetings about Iran because he’s stuck on a giant wolf battle.”