WORLD’S worst banker Fred Goodwin hosts money orgies where he has intercourse with a series of life-size papier maché figures made from £20 notes.
The ex-Royal Bank of Scotland chief has a range of anatomically correct mannequins which represent a cross section of the British public.
The key orifices are specially fitted with wide-necked balloons which are then pumped full of warm custard.
A source said: “There’s an OAP, a nurse, an estate agent and a Guardian reader, which even has horribly trendy papier maché spectacles.
“Each of them is positioned in such a way as to make penetration easy – but not too easy.”
The source added: “There’s also one that looks like him. Which, from a psychological perspective, I think is actually very healthy.
“That said, he does also have a room full of papier maché goats.”
The source said the figures have to be replaced regularly because of Goodwin’s frenzied approach to love-making.
“Because he has more time on his hands these days – what with him being such a dreadful banker – he makes them himself.
“The money is delivered in suitcases, straight from the Treasury, and he then tips them into a big bath and lets them soak overnight.
“The first batch were not good at all. They looked like they had been beamed-up in a faulty teleportation device.
“He had sex with them anyway.”