Goodwin having sex with your money

WORLD’S worst banker Fred Goodwin hosts money orgies where he has intercourse with a series of life-size papier maché figures made from £20 notes.

The ex-Royal Bank of Scotland chief has a range of anatomically correct mannequins which represent a cross section of the British public.

The key orifices are specially fitted with wide-necked balloons which are then pumped full of warm custard.

A source said: “There’s an OAP, a nurse, an estate agent and a Guardian reader, which even has horribly trendy papier maché spectacles.

“Each of them is positioned in such a way as to make penetration easy – but not too easy.”

The source added: “There’s also one that looks like him. Which, from a psychological perspective, I think is actually very healthy.

“That said, he does also have a room full of papier maché goats.”

The source said the figures have to be replaced regularly because of Goodwin’s frenzied approach to love-making.

“Because he has more time on his hands these days – what with him being such a dreadful banker – he makes them himself.

“The money is delivered in suitcases, straight from the Treasury, and he then tips them into a big bath and lets them soak overnight.

“The first batch were not good at all. They looked like they had been beamed-up in a faulty teleportation device.

“He had sex with them anyway.”



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New Tomb Raider delayed by glitch in sequel generating machine

THE latest Tomb Raider instalment has been delayed by technical problems with SEQUL8TOR, Hollywood’s giant sequel-making computer.

Industry insiders believe the problems may have resulted from a cup of coffee being spilled onto the giant, juddering hangar-sized machine which has been responsible for generating every major film sequel since The Godfather Part III.

A studio insider said: “The third insallment of the Godfather saga was the nadir in human culture, yet somehow still profitable. Studio heads realised that quality was no longer a factor in success, and hence SEQUL8TOR was born.

“The machine has three dials, allowing you to select the franchise, desired length and number of explosions respectively. For example you might choose ‘Transformers’, ’94 minutes’ and ‘4,000,038 explosions’.

“After you press ‘start’ it usually takes four minutes to fire out the completed reels of film, with titles and everything, like a nauseatingly cynical version of the photo booth in your local post office.

“It worked just fine until Michael Bay decided to leave his big sticky latte perched precariously on a grille while he went out for a fag. Or it might have been Roland Emmerich, we’re going through the diary.”

SEQUL8TOR technicians became aware of problems when the new Tomb Raider film emerged with the title Big Momma Croft’s Pirates of the Godzilla IV: The New Indiana Jones III.

A source said: “The storyline involves Lara Croft having to disguise herself in a fat suit to infiltrate a lost tribe of sassy obese Afro-American women so that she can steal their mystical recipe for barbecue chicken marinade, which is guarded by a massive dinosaur with the head of Shia LeBeouf.

“A lot of people get kicked in the groin and the word ‘damn’ said in a stereotyped black way serves as a joke substitute.

“Also Lara is much less agile, in fact whenever she grabs a rope it snaps and she says ‘ooooooooh shit’ in a funny voice before plummeting onto a big heap of animal excrement.

“And for some reason there’s an animated owl with the voice of Richard Griffiths.”

He added: “Actually that sounds sounds a shit ton better than the last Tomb Raider. I’ll just quickly whizz it through the 3D-alizer.”