Google returns no search results for 'sexism' and 'tax'

TECH giant Google has decided that sexism and tax no longer exist, it has emerged.

As it continues to be dogged by allegations of gender discrimination and tax avoidance, Google has simply decided to terminate both concepts.

A Google spokesman said: “When Google first started up we were just a bunch of idealistic little geeks who wanted girls to think we were cool, so we came up with the motto ‘Don’t be evil’.

“However, it rapidly turned out that we did in fact want to be evil, because we discovered that having loads of money and power is actually way cooler than being good and paying tax.

“We are currently building a secret lair in a volcano in Nevada, where we will breed an army of humanzees to take over the world.

“In the mean time we still want everyone to think we’re at least trying to be nice, but rather than address problems we’re just going to pretend they don’t exist. So if you type in ‘sexism’ or ‘tax’ you just get a cool animation of Han Solo or some other pop culture guff.”

He added: “Don’t worry. There will always be porn.”

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Pretentious couple convinced they are turning Scandinavian

A COUPLE with vague socialist ideas and a fondness for gloomy crime dramas think they are actually becoming Swedish.

Stephen Malley and Eleanor Shaw are convinced that if they wear enough chunky sweaters and eat pickled herring they will be able to grow a new nationality.

Shaw said: “Stephen has got great stubble and our flat is full of stylish minimalist furniture. It’s not from IKEA, we’re not sheep.

“We’ve seen Borgen, The Bridge and The Killing and we’ve got a book about hygge. Being British is dreadful, so we’re hoping that if we spend enough money on stylish lamps and Bjork albums we can become healthy, relaxed people rather than paranoid, fickle middle-class idiots.

“Have we ever been to Scandinavia? No, but my mum went to the Shetland Islands once.”

Swedish person Filip Eklund said: “It’s fucking freezing, it gets dark at two and a beer costs a small fortune because otherwise everyone would become an alcoholic to cope with it.”