Government powerless to intervene in non-banking industry

THE government has confirmed there is absolutely nothing it can do to save the non-London-based steel industry. 

Amid the prospect of thousands of redundancies, the business secretary said he wishes there was something he could do. 

Sajid Javid added: “Tragically, the industry has been hit by a perfect storm of being in the provinces, traditionally supporting Labour and not being financial services. 

“Add that to us not wanting to do anything that might offend our new Chinese friends, and there’s absolutely nothing we are prepared to do. 

“If only these plants manufactured something useful, like insurance derivatives supported by credit default swaps, then we’d gladly go billions into debt for them. 

“But steel? What’s that even for?”

Steelworker Roy Hobbs said: “People are over mass-produced steel anyway. I’m moving into artisanal hand-beaten bronze for the hipster market.”