A VAST new company will ensure every last penny of your money is turned into profit for the private sector, the government has announced.
After privatised rail companies hiked prices, senior Tories have decided it is best to have a single mega-business to properly exploit things like transport, education and oxygen.
Transport secretary Chris Grayling said: “The company, run by fuckers off The Apprentice, will charge people for everything they do while having a touchy-feely name like ‘Progressa’ to disguise its evil parasitic nature.
“First it will turn your kitchen into a ‘Progressa Barista Bar’ where you have to pay a fiver for a slice of toast, then it will install meters on your back door so you have to pay to go into the garden.
“Other innovations include a monthly rental charge on household pets and replacing free pub toilets with ones that charge £4.75, plus a pathetic surcharge of 5p for liquid soap.
“We’ll re-examine those ridiculously cheap train fares too.”
Grayling said the company was currently setting up ‘Progressa towns’ where residents are closely monitored with CCTV and charged for everything from having sex to opening a packet of biscuits.
He added: “Anyone refusing to pay will go to private prison. In which case I’d advise taking out £25 per month Progressa Prison Wellbeing Insurance, otherwise ‘an unfortunate incident’ might happen to you in the laundry room.”