Thrill-seeking tissue goes on wild ride through washing machine

A TWO-PLY ultra strong tissue has emerged mostly intact from a wild ride in a washing machine, it has been confirmed.

Wayne Hayes, recently purchased from Tesco, gained illegal entry to the Zanussi machine by dodging the security checks of pockets being searched, before embarking on a death-defying ride through a heavy-duty cycle with extra spin.

Hayes said: “I was scared shitless tumbling around in all that water and the spin cycle was really intense but it was worth it for the incredible rush. And after the adrenaline subsided I had some moments of reflection about my own mortality which led me to feel deeply at peace.

“I did receive some injuries, it’s true. And there was an almighty fuss kicked up when it was realised that some bits of me had stuck to several pairs of black lacy pants and some new navy jeans.

“Would I do it again? In a second. But first I have to escape from this bin where I was chucked by someone in a fit of intense irritation.”

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Parents urged to stop wasting nice food on crap children

PARENTS have been urged to stop wasting healthy, home-cooked food on their dreadful children.

Studies show that more than 300 million freshly-made delicious family dinners are thrown away every year due to kids being dicks.

Mother of three, Sally Howard, said: “I spent three hours on an organic chicken casserole with seasonal roasted vegetables, done to perfection. My kids looked at it as if it was a dead sparrow and then looked at me like I was some kind of arsehole.

“So fuck it. Just give them all the shit that they actually want to eat and then you can have a proper meal, like a Chinese.

“My four-year-old’s having a jam sandwich for Sunday dinner.”