Government To Appoint Bullshit Tsar

THE government is to appoint a powerful new 'czar' to regulate the bullshit professions, including homeopathy, acupuncture and estate agency. 

The department for enterprise said the regulator's remit will also cover public relations, marketing, advertising, finance and a wide range of diet-related bullshit.

Tom Logan, labour market analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "At the moment anyone can join a bullshit profession or set themselves up as a bullshitter.

"They simply rent an office, buy a bad suit and point at houses. Or they get a white coat and a chart of the human body, and then stick pins in your tongue, or claim they can cure cancer with some cheese, a teabag and a cucumber."

An enterprise department spokesman said: "While every profession is tainted with bullshit, we want to start by regulating those sectors that are founded on a solid core of pure bullshit.

"The bullshit tsar's first task will be to commission a firm of bullshitters to design a large building shaped like an upturned pram and then fill it with chancers who will spend the first year devising a series of slogans about bullshit."

He added: "Once we have picked a really good slogan the czar and his team will then draw up a series of bullshit qualifications that will mean absolutely fuck all."

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Rangers Violence Began In Late 17th Century, Says Uefa

THE violence at the Uefa Cup final began much earlier than was thought, probably in the late 17th century, officials said last night.

A Uefa investigation has revealed last month's violent scenes in Manchester were directly related to tensions arising from the Battle of the Boyne, which took place near the east coast of Ireland in 1690.

It is now believed the conflict was sparked not by a faulty big-screen television, but by a series of marginal differences over the correct method of worshipping Jesus.

Uefa said the violence then continued on and off for another 180 years until it was formalised with the establishment of Rangers Football Club in 1872.

Jean-Marie Le Blanc, Uefa's head of riots, said: "The violence in Manchester has deep, complex and incredibly stupid roots.

"It seems to based on an entrenched hostility towards Papal doctrine and an insatiable lust for the blood of 'fenians'."

He added: "If we want to prevent this kind of violence we must establish a single, agreed method for the worship of Jesus across the continent of Europe.

"Oh yeah, and booze – don't give them any booze."