House of Fraser unveils new business model of not letting you have stuff when you pay for it

HOUSE of Fraser is to cease the ‘economically suicidal’ practice of giving customers goods when they pay for them, it has confirmed. 

The department store, bought by Sports Direct’s Mike Ashley last month, is to streamline its business model by not letting customers take their purchases out of the shop.

A spokesman said: “When we get stock in it is slowly draining away, and CCTV checks showed that customers are just walking out of the shop with it. The entitled bastards think that just because they’ve paid for a jumper, it’s somehow ‘theirs’.

“But it doesn’t have to be like that. From now on when you buy a £150 pair of jeans the counter staff will smile at you nicely, take payment, ask you if you want a storecard, fold them up, ask if you want a storecard again, hand over your receipt then put the jeans under the counter for re-shelving.”

Sports Direct employee Nathan Muir said: “We actually let our customers take the stuff away because it saves us hiring a skip.”