House of Fraser unveils new business model of not letting you have stuff when you pay for it

HOUSE of Fraser is to cease the ‘economically suicidal’ practice of giving customers goods when they pay for them, it has confirmed. 

The department store, bought by Sports Direct’s Mike Ashley last month, is to streamline its business model by not letting customers take their purchases out of the shop.

A spokesman said: “When we get stock in it is slowly draining away, and CCTV checks showed that customers are just walking out of the shop with it. The entitled bastards think that just because they’ve paid for a jumper, it’s somehow ‘theirs’.

“But it doesn’t have to be like that. From now on when you buy a £150 pair of jeans the counter staff will smile at you nicely, take payment, ask you if you want a storecard, fold them up, ask if you want a storecard again, hand over your receipt then put the jeans under the counter for re-shelving.”

Sports Direct employee Nathan Muir said: “We actually let our customers take the stuff away because it saves us hiring a skip.” 

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Woman who went to doctor with cold moaning that NHS is overstretched

A WOMAN who went to see her GP because she had a bit of sniffle was outraged that the waiting room was full of people.

Francesca Johnson had been feeling run down and complaining of a ‘scratchy throat’ for two days when she made the appointment, despite knowing full well that a doctor could do shit all about it.

Johnson said: “I insisted that it was an emergency, which it was because I needed to go and buy a toaster shortly afterwards.

“The receptionist was very impatient, as if she had better things to do than wait for five minutes whilst I figured out how to use the calendar on my iPhone.

“When I arrived I found the waiting room was absolutely packed with people, and I had to wait for ages. When I finally saw the doctor she said I should rest, keep warm and drink plenty of fluids.

“I could have prescribed that myself. Honestly, what do these people train for seven years for? The NHS is in an appalling state and I’m tempted to go private.”

Johnson’s GP Julian Cook said: “If she went private it might help. Or, alternately, if she died.”