Houses to be sold at checkouts to encourage impulse buyers

PROPERTY is to be placed in eye-catching displays at supermarket and garage tills to encourage impulse home ownership, the government has announced. 

Home ownership in England has hit its lowest rate for 30 years because, experts believe, they have not been marketed aggressively in eye-level displays in reward zones. 

Marketing consultant Julian Cook said: “I look in an estate agent’s window and I see ugly photographs of houses with short typewritten descriptions like something out of communist Russia.

“You want houses to move, you’ve gotta sell that shit. Put them in the golden zones with a decent two-for-one offer, listing the original sky-high RRP so buyers think they’re getting a bargain. 

“Sell them as a treat. Tell the punters they deserve a Manchester apartment after the tough week they’ve had and it’ll be in the trolley no matter what the price. 

“We’re also leveraging pester power, telling kids aged six or over they should really have a two-bed terrace in Sunderland by now, and wives they need a second semi-detached for best.” 

59-year-old Norman Steele of Mansfield said: “Cheeky three-storey Edinburgh townhouse on a Tuesday night? Don’t mind if I do.” 

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Woman who claims to be ‘devil’s advocate’ just deliberately annoying

A WOMAN who claimed to take a controversial position to stimulate debate is actually just annoying, it has been confirmed.

Carolyn Ryan interrupted a conversation with workmates talking about Donald Trump to tell them she thought the world could benefit from a strong authoritarian influence in such dangerous times.

Ryan’s colleague Nikki Hollis said: “We all looked at her like she was mental but Carolyn said we were seeing the world through an immature liberal bias and that it was a shame Hitler wasn’t around to help.

“It all got quite aggressive and Jenny from sales called her a Nazi, but then Carolyn said ‘Relax guys. I don’t really think that, I’m just playing devil’s advocate’, and sauntered off.

“It’s like when she asked us if we were sure Finland really existed. Once she asked me if I’d considered, just for the sake of argument, whether the reason my garden floods every year isn’t due to climate change but actually because god hates me for being a lesbian.”

Ryan said: “I don’t even know what an advocate is. I just like being a prick.”