Housing market affected by houses being on fire

ESTATE agents are struggling to find buyers for Britain’s increasing number of on-fire homes, it has emerged.

UK property professionals believe that difficulties in an already-delicate housing market are being compounded by an estimated 36% of available dwellings being ablaze.

Gloucester estate agent Tom Logan said: “It is generally harder to sell a house that’s engulfed in flames. A lot of buyers will say they like it but just can’t quite see themselves living there.

“But the current explosion in things being on fire couldn’t have come at a worse time for sellers.

“However, selling a house is all about marketing and presentation so it’s all about accentuating positives. I always point out how new the flames actually are and that when the firemen have gone home it will be a wonderful blank canvas.

“I would recommend to buyers that they don’t immediately disregard burning houses. After all it’s very likely that if they buy a place that doesn’t already have smoke coming out of it, it soon will, as there are thousands of people out there very keen to set it on fire.”

He added: “And can I just say that compared to the fucked up shit happening today people like me  seem like a twee, PG Wodehouse throwback to a gentler, more humane age.”

First-time buyer Emma Bradford said: “My boyfriend and I have looked at a few burning houses because they’re cheaper and it’s still better than renting.

“Also a place that’s been reduced to a charred skeleton does not involve picking away at loads of dowdy wood chip wallpaper.”



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Policing seems to work

HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

The bold experiment in public order was declared a success after thugs and looters realised there were 16,000 heavily armoured professionals, each carrying a big fuck-off stick with their name on it.

The government may now extend ‘policing’ beyond Royal weddings, the Cheltenham Festival and the fat, jolly, middle-aged one who stands outside 10 Downing Street and hands petitions to the person who then puts them in the bin.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “We should not jump to conclusions. We need to study the results of last night’s experiment to make sure that we do not begin policing Britain’s streets by mistake.

“Were the rioters a bit tired after three nights of unmolested chaos? Was there anything particularly good on the television? I, for instance, was watching The Mentalist.”

Suddenly-introverted rioter Martin Bishop said: “I decided that, on balance, I did not want to be shot in the chest with a plastic bullet. Perhaps if I believed in something, or had some kind of grievance, then maybe. But for the time being I would prefer to remain indoors.”

However there were disturbances in parts of Britain that don’t matter.

Roy Hobbs, assistant chief constable of West Midlands Police, said something unimportant and reading it would only be a waste of your valuable time.

And Gloucester now faces a 7pm curfew for the next 18 months amid fears that an invitation to an engagement party in Winchcombe may have been set on fire deliberately.

But the country’s sombre mood has been boosted as Labour leader Ed Miliband cut short his Amnesty International-approved holiday and offered to help the police investigation with his bionic nose.

He said: “I stand ready and able to sniff out guilt, simmering resentment or a hot Wii.”

Miliband insisted he would not make political capital out of the riots but said it would never have happened under a Labour government because until May last year inner-city youths were all exactly the same as Billy Elliot.

Meanwhile, in Manchester, debate continues over whether the city had experienced serious social unrest or a Tuesday.