How to look like a bellend when receiving a platonic hug

AWKWARD continental-style hugs and kisses are a social minefield. Here’s how to get them really wrong: 

Hug for too long 

Whether hugger or huggee you can unsettle the other party by creepily prolonging the hug, implying you desperately need any form of human contact and will happily stand there for 20 minutes.

Be paranoid about boob contact

If male, make your body as concave as it needs to be to avoid physically touching a woman’s breasts even though they’re buried under several layers of clothing. Your weird attempt to avoid being pervy will send out the message that you have previously been fired for sexual harassment.

Kiss on the lips

If someone attempts to air kiss you, go into panic mode and do what comes most naturally: a kiss on the lips. A great relationship could start this way, but only in Richard Curtis films. In reality the other person will go on to warn everyone about you.

Get an erection 

Like dogs, erections tend not to be entirely rational. Awkward enough if you’re hugging a female colleague, but far worse if you and a fellow man accidentally ‘cross swords’. Or ’bump cocks’.

Make a joke of it

If you’re uncomfortable with hugs and air kisses, it’s tempting to defuse the situation by going ‘Mwah! Mwah!’ as you pretend to kiss someone’s cheeks. However they might be genuinely pleased to see you and now you’ve mocked them for it.

Headbutt them

Totally misjudge the velocity of the hug and plant the nut. Nothing says ‘professional’ like assaulting a work colleague as if it’s 2am outside a Southend kebab shop.

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Stupid eyebrows may be contagious, Britain warned

DOCTORS have warned that an epidemic of horribly heavy comedy eyebrows appears to be spreading across the UK.

The mysterious condition, which affects only a handful of men but 70 per cent of woman aged between 14 and 35, is thought to be spreading via popular social media app Instagram.

Tom Logan of Colchester believes his girlfriend Hayley has developed symptoms, though she refuses to talk about it and acts as if it is perfectly normal.

He said: “I kept seeing her watching YouTube tutorials where women began with normal eyebrows and end up with these huge heavy things like a swooping hawk. When I asked why she slammed her laptop closed.

“Then the other day she went into town, still with normal, human eyebrows, and came back with these massive thick ones that make her look permanently surprised.

“All her friends have them too. It’s like a child with a black crayon defaced them to look like Cara Delevingne.”

Health expert Helen Archer warned “False Eyebrow Syndrome is highly contagious, and it’s spreading fast. Britain is close to becoming one massive stupid eyebrow.”