How to lose money in just 30 minutes

BORED during lockdown? Run out of stuff to online shop for? Try these five easy ways to lose money from the comfort of your sofa:

Become a day trader

New apps mean everyone can play the stock market and lose money on it, just like the boys in the City. The only difference is that, unlike fund managers, the money you’ll be losing is your own. Burn through the lot shorting frozen orange juice concentrate futures in mere minutes, and reward yourself with a line of cocaine.

Trade on eBay

Spotted something on eBay selling for £140 when there’s another seller offering it for £350? Snap it up, relist it and then realise that other seller’s had it up for £350 since July 2012. Nobody knows why they do this but they do.

Take up a new hobby

Of course you’ll make good use of that microbrewery kit and 30-litre food grade fermenting bucket with airlock. There’s no way it’ll sit resentfully in the spare room for the next five years until your partner dumps you for being too crap to even make alcohol.

Tell the kids to count your spare change

Your visions of the children assiduously counting coppers in awe at how rich Mummy is lasts for an unsupervised hour, until you find discarded coins everywhere apart from all the £1s and £2s, which are gold and shiny so have been thrown in the pond.

Buy Bitcoin

Read a post from a guy on Reddit who says it’s definitely not a load of old toss, then excitably shove the next few month’s mortgage payments into Bitcoin. As you tell your partner, if you’d got in six years ago you’d be sitting on a gain of five billion percent by now. Soon you’ll be sitting on nothing but the floor when the bailiffs take away the sofa.

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Half-term 'over'

THE half-term ‘holiday’ has ‘finished’ and children are going ‘back to school’, their dead-eyed parents have confirmed. 

The week’s ‘break’, which gave families the chance to ‘spend some time together’ ‘for a change’, has now ‘concluded’ with school-aged children ‘returning to learning’.

Father-of-three Martin Bishop said: “Yes. Apparently it’s over.

“I must admit it was a struggle managing them at times, what with me not being able to get any time off, and it being freezing cold and pissing down throughout, and everything being closed, and it having been like this for 11 f**king months now.

“Of course they’ve enjoyed seeing their grandparents, on Zoom, and spending time with their friends, on Zoom, and playing out in the garden, on Minecraft.

“But now they’re back at school I can focus on other stuff, like getting them connected to their live lessons, and helping them with their maths, and photographing and uploading all their work, and minor little tasks like that.

“What a marvellous week it’s been. I’m sure they feel as rested and relaxed as I do. Roll on Easter.”