Hurry up and die, Britain tells Tesco

BRITAIN has asked Tesco if it could stop dragging it out and just die.

The former superstore, not yet a blasted ruin even though everyone knows it soon will be, has exhausted the patience of British shoppers. 

Helen Archer of Congleton said: “Profit warning, profits halved, chief executive resigns, I mean they’re milking this one like the death of Madge Bishop. 

“I’m doing what I can by never shopping there and I’m willing to start shoplifting if it’ll help.

“We get it, Tesco was a victim of its own hubris, but you didn’t see the Titanic taking three years to sink.”

Tesco employee Stephen Malley said: “We are all of us nothing but ticks on the hide of a corpse.

“As I was saying to Sheena on the cheese counter this morning.” 

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Couple has f**king website for wedding

A COUPLE’S forthcoming wedding has a whole f**king website devoted to it.

34-year-old Nikki Hollis and her fiancé Martin Bishop sent out invites directing guests to ‘’ which features detailed information about how great they are.

Invitee Stephen Malley said: “It’s like a proper website that they’ve made, or paid someone to make for them. Jesus.”

The site’s home page features a big picture of the couple and various sections including one called ‘Our Story’.

Malley said: “It’s a whole long thing about how they met and fell in love, written in a sweet but wryly amusing manner.

“Clearly nobody is interested in that. Oh hang, on here’s a picture of Nikki in her bikini.

“That’s a bit more like it.”

Nikki Hollis said: “This website isn’t just about us, it’s about love. Although it is mainly about us.”