Hurry up and die, Britain tells Tesco

BRITAIN has asked Tesco if it could stop dragging it out and just die.

The former superstore, not yet a blasted ruin even though everyone knows it soon will be, has exhausted the patience of British shoppers. 

Helen Archer of Congleton said: “Profit warning, profits halved, chief executive resigns, I mean they’re milking this one like the death of Madge Bishop. 

“I’m doing what I can by never shopping there and I’m willing to start shoplifting if it’ll help.

“We get it, Tesco was a victim of its own hubris, but you didn’t see the Titanic taking three years to sink.”

Tesco employee Stephen Malley said: “We are all of us nothing but ticks on the hide of a corpse.

“As I was saying to Sheena on the cheese counter this morning.”