Liverpool fans demand to know why potential new manager hasn’t turned things around yet

LIVERPOOL fans are demanding the dismissal of the man who has yet to be confirmed as the club’s new manager.

Possible replacement manager Jurgen Klopp has failed to make Liverpool the most feared club in football despite being widely tipped to start working there soon.

Season ticket holder Norman Steele said: “I’m a patient man but Klopp should have restored us to the pinnacle of European football by now.

“You have to question his commitment, especially as he has not yet signed any paperwork.”

Stephen Malley said: “How much longer are we going to give Klopp? He’s done literally nothing so far. 

“I’m going to set up a Klopp Out Facebook group.”

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Truancy now a GCSE subject

TRUANCY is now a school subject about gaining ‘life skills’.

Persistent truants are now able to gain a GCSE in lesson avoidance while teachers can relax knowing their least-favourite pupils are nowhere near a school.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “The new Truancy GCSE focuses on practical skills pupils will be able to use throughout their lives, such as going to shopping centres, ordering fast food and shoplifting.

“All we’re doing is recognising that some pupils have less of an aptitude for academic subjects like maths, but can really excel at things like throwing chips at each other outside Chicken Cottage.

“As a teacher it makes my day to see a kid who everyone had written off really taking an interest in hanging around the local park.”

14-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Truancy is my best subject because you’re always learning new things like which shops will split a packet of fags and sell them for 30p each.

“Unfortunately avoiding school isn’t as exciting now it’s not forbidden. Sometimes I even think learning about history and shit might be more interesting than sitting in a bus shelter for six hours.”