I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers

MOIRA Stewart, the all-seeing God of Tax, has warned of great suffering for those self-employed workers whose forms displease her.

Powerful divinity Stewart, whose earthly guises include a semi-likeable middle-aged woman, a grey fox and a fire-breathing lizard with nine heads and 43 tusks, has assured mortals that she will not be made a mockery of as the Great Deadline of January 31 approaches.

Stewart, also known as Brabarine or ‘The Taxacious One’, said: “The hour of self-assessment is nigh.

“But heed my words – a Tesco carrier bag full of crumpled receipts and sweet wrappers does not represent adequate record keeping.

“Nor can you simply make up a number, times it by four and call it your ‘mileage allowance’.

“I have many eyes and many ears. My minions include HMRC inspectors, birds and little insects that land on my shoulder and chirrup of your lies.”

Stewart’s main shrine, The Golden Temple of the HMRC Dawn, has been inundated with offerings from workers anxious to curry favour with the implacable god.

Scaffolder Tom Logan said: “After sending my tax return, I became paranoid that I may have somehow forgotten to include about six months’ worth of cash-in-hand work.

“So I’ve brought this fatted calf and plan to kill it in the reception area, hoping that it will encourage Moira Stewart to be merciful.”

Meanwhile thousands of concerned self-assessment taxpayers are trapped in the Celestial Maze, also known as the HMRC Helpline.

Masseuse Nikki Hollis said: “There are many menus, each one promising to lead you to an advisor.

“But they only lead to further menus, or a recorded message telling you to go to the website. And if you accidentally press ‘3’, you die instantly.”



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'The real victims of phone hacking are the people who loathe John Prescott'

THE forgotten victims of the phone hacking scandal are the millions who would love to see John Prescott living under a bridge, it was claimed today.

As the most unspeakable holder of high office in British history received a six-figure settlement from News International, campaigners called for compensation for all those who will be traumatised by the increase in Prescott’s wealth.

Helen Archer, director of OafWatch, said: “Every time John Prescott open his fat, stupid, greedy, chippy, shit-eating mouth it feels like he is burgling my soul.

“The fact he has now been given this money because some arsewit thought he was remotely interesting demands a public inquiry that must ultimately force him to compensate all those he has defiled with his jowly, malodorous sense of entitlement.”

Archer added: “Many of the people receiving money today are truly repellent, but none of them makes us want to puke in a bucket and then shove his head repeatedly into the bucket as much as the former deputy prime minister.

“We can only hope this award leads to a more responsible attitude towards John Prescott and that one day absolutely every single person in this country will wish him nothing but destitution and misery.”

Archer said the award also extinguishes any lingering doubts about the closure of the News of the World, stressing that any newspaper that enriches Prescott ‘must be
completely destroyed’.

Prescott victim Roy Hobbs said: “He could at least give some of the money to that poor secretary he was spilling gravy all over.

“It wasn’t for her why would they have hacked his phone? So they could hear him ordering butties at three o’clock in the morning and complaining about how no-one lets him do anything important?”