Inflation To Continue Doing A Variety Of Things, Says Bank Of England

BRITAIN faces several more months of inflation doing things before eventually deciding to do some other, equally interesting things, the Bank of England warned today.

Issuing his latest inflation report, Bank governor Mervyn King said: “VAT – that’s one of the things – then of course there’s all the oil and gas, the cars, the food – let’s not forget the food. So basically, yes, all those sorts of things… obviously.

“Erm… what else? It says here that clothes are cheaper – though I suspect that’s because it’s summer and so the clothes are generally a bit smaller and don’t use up as much fabric.”

Holding up a graph he had drawn on some paper, he added: “Quite possibly up for a while then along in a straight line for a bit before heading down, then up again, then down again.

“Or it could be more of a zig-zaggy kind of thing, depending on a wide variety of factors which you simply would not understand and so there is no point in me wasting my breath with a lot of technical what-nots and doo-das.

“Suffice to say, we have established beyond doubt that inflation exists and almost certainly has something to do with money.”

Meanwhile chancellor George Osborne told city analysts that he had a funny feeling that everything was going to be just fine.

He said: “I’ve been looking at all these charts and they just look really nice. All we need now is for the Under-flationary McPherson Exchange to keep pace with the, er, Johanssen Index of Surplus… Trade… De-Balancing?

“And also people should buy loads of shit and stuff.”

The City welcomed the chancellor’s comments. Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “This graph looks a bit like a mountain. What’s the one in Switzerland? Not the Eiger, the other one. I wonder why it decided to look like that? Fascinating.”

Mr King added: “Sweet Jesus, I’ve just noticed the price of eggs. How the fuck did that happen?

“That’s it, I am buying a chicken.”


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Food Shortages Could Force Middle Class To Eat Chicken Mega-Tasteybites

AFFLUENT professionals could be forced to use town centre fried chicken outlets as over-population makes Waitrose-style food increasingly scarce.

Experts claim the ambiguous meats provided by takeaways with the words ‘mega’ or ‘chick’ in their name will be the UK’s only source of protein by 2019.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Organic meat and pleasantly-packaged artisan cheese will become increasingly difficult to produce as more land is used for cretins.

“This means chicken outlets, whose meat-equivalent matter is produced using methods far, far removed from nature, will be the nation’s only dinner time option. Even Kevin McCloud and bead-wearing women will have to feed their families from a bucket topped up with beans.

“And not even Heinz beans. Cheap ones that come in a massive white tin with the Russian word for ‘beans’ stamped on it.”

The precise origin of mega-tasteybite chicken substance remains a closely-guarded secret, though Professor Brubaker believes there is a warehouse near Wolverhampton containing a single giant blob of matter, summoned to this dimension by witches.

He added: “It tastes a bit like chicken but also defecates chips and cries a coleslaw-like matter from its single unblinking eye.”

Professor Brubaker also stressed that while synthesised meat produced in vats would be welcomed by vegetarians who do not want to eat something that is dead, it may be shunned by others who do not want to eat something that has never been alive.

Occupational therapist Emma Bradford said: “If it comes down to it we’d invite some friends over for dinner, drug them and hold them hostage in the cellar, gradually eating bits of their limbs like in The Road.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t eat meat unless I know where it comes from.”